Title: Jesse Shearer Riffs “Rugrats: The Movie”
Source: Fan transcript by Super Yo and Steve Mindykowski
Original movie property of Nickelodeon, Paramount and Klassy-Csupo
MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer
Setting: The single-screen movie theater at the fictional “J. Micheal 
Shearer’s Entertainment Place.”

{Scene 1: The nearly-empty corridors of any secondary shopping mall typical 
of any Midwestern United States city slowly pan by untill a set of doors 
with a movie marquis above them is reached.  The marquis reads “Rented to J. 
Micheal Shearer Productions.”  Inside the doors is a run-down movie theater 
lobby with a heavily-built man of short-to-medium stature standing in it.  
That man is me: Jesse Shearer}

JESSE: Cool!  The place looks pretty good for having been left idle for 
fifteen years.  I’ll just see if I can get things up and running.  Then 
this’ll be just like an episode of “Mystery Science Theater.”  In fact, this 
is a self-insertion parody of “MST3K.”  Once I get things up and running, 
I’ll have a “feature film”, “television show”, fanfiction, or other Internet 
posting to comment on.  Untill then, I guess I’d better cut to a commertial 
or something, which may often be used for notes and such, as well.  This’ll 
take me about three weeks, but it’ll be less than a page for you readers.  
Have fun!

[NOTES]
	Yes, for those of you who are wondering, there is a place like this where I 
live.  Or at least there was untill a few years ago.  Specific references 
would be meaningless, as this MiSTing will hopefully be read worldwide.  
But, I am working from an actual physical place in the world that does 
exist.  I even saw a few movies there myself when it was still a functioning 
movie theater.  And no, I’m not promoting actually going into these places 
and doing things like this.  It’s dangerous, it’s illegal, and I’d rather 
not have anyone’s arrest, injury, or death on my consience for this sort of 
thing if I can avoid it.
	The phrazes “feature film” and “television show” are in quotes in the intro 
for a reason.  I won’t actually be *in* the theater above because it’s like 
I said before: it’s dangerous, it’s illegal, and I’m not dumb enough to 
actually do them.  Nor would I recommend that others do.  I’m currently 
working in a hot little room in my parents’ basement, sadly enough, and 
using fan transcripts of the movies and shows for this.  I may later use the 
setting for other MiSTings not submitted to Varikorn Ungvichian’s (AKA 
Rover_Wow’s) website, but I’m just not sure yet.  Only time and viewer 
response will tell.

{Scene 2: Same as above, only I have a shopping cart laden with copious 
amounts of movie watching goodies}

JESSE:  Welcome back.  A few friends and I got the place into semi-working 
order again.  Unfortunately, they didn’t want to participate further at this 
point, so I’ll be going on my own this outing.  Our presentation today comes 
to us in fan transcript form.  It’s “Rugrats: The Movie.”  I’ve never 
actually seen the thing, to be honest with you, so I’ll be flying by the 
seat of my pants through this, instead.  Enjoy!

[The door sequence consists of one double door that reveals an absolutely 
huge movie screen.  I am seen dragging my shopping cart of goodies into the 
first row, where I take the middle seat.]

>"The Rugrats Movie" Transcript"The Rugrats Movie" Transcript

JESSE: Double Double!

>Transcribed by Super Yo, with additional material by Steve Mindykowski

JESSE: Thanks, guys!

>[Opening: The "Rugrats" TV intro plays in a small rectangle in the center 
>of the screen. Captions "Paramount Pictures presents" and "A Klasky-Csupo 
>production" fade on and off on top of this rectangle. At the end of the 
>intro, where Tommy squirts his baby bottle, The streams of milk cover the 
>entire movie screen, then drips down with a stereophonic cresendo to reveal 
>"The Rugrats Movie" logo. Fade to black.]

JESSE:[singing durring credits; theme to “LEXX”] Yo-A-O; Hom Bah Rey; 
Yo-A-Rah; Neroon Brunnen-G...

>[The camera is in the forest and move in the direction of a mountain in 
>which their is a temple surrounded with Reptar statues. The Rugrats climb 
>the cliff and are at the cave's entrance. The temple is dark and gloomy 
>inside, as we are there, looking towards the outside, as the Rugrats race 
>in. Once in the cave, Chuckie stops.]

JESSE: He realizes that they’re stepping directly into an Indiana Jones 
film.

>Chuckie: Aah! This place give me the juicebumps! [A group of bats fly out 
>of the mouth of one of the Reptar statues.] Phil: Maybe we should go back! 
>Lil: Very back!

JESSE:[Soren, from “Star Trek Generations”] Let me go back!  Let me go back! 
  PLEASE LET ME GO BACK!

>Tommy: No! We can't go back now, you guys! Okey-Dokie Jones [whips with his 
>jump rope]

JESSE: [whip noise]

>never goes back! [The Rugrats move near a door shaped like Angelica's head. 
>They act surprised. Inside the "mouth" is a bright, orange-colored light.] 
>Tommy: Hang on to your diapies, babies, we're going in! Chuckie: [voice 
>over] That's Tommy Pickles. He's the bravest baby I ever knowed!

JESSE: Proving yet again that there’s a very fine line between brave and 
stupid.

>
>[As Chuckie talks, Tommy races towards the door. As he got there, the door 
>slammed, but he raced in there once it's open, and after he entered, it 
>slammed shut again. Phil & Lil look surprised.]

JESSE: Oh, ok.  Yeah.  I think I’ve seen that particular obstical in several 
other movies.

>Chuckie: [voice over]  And that's Phil and Lil. Uh, uh, well, they - - they 
>like worms.

JESSE: I like worms, too.  It’s just that they’re so hard to get on the 
hook...

>[Phil & Lil hold hands and rush in through the door, which closed behind 
>them.] Chuckie: [voice over] And I'm Chuckie. Uh... I'm not so brave.

JESSE: But smart.  That’s what counts.

>[Chuckie was hesitant to enter, but was "whipped" in by Tommy.]

JESSE:[singing to “Whip It,” by Devo] When your friends turn into wimps, you 
must whip them!  Whip them good! [whip noise]

>Chuckie: [voice over] But that's OK, 'cause I got Tommy, and he's my 
>bestest friend. [giggles]

JESSE: Dah!  I didn’t know it was *this* kind of movie!

>[The Rugrats run to a tower on which is perched an idol. They climb the 
>towre to reach the idol. While trying to take the statuette, the idol 
>becomes a banana split and a trap is released, which causes an enormous 
>rock to roll towrds them.]

JESSE: Good!  Kill ‘em all!

>Chuckie: Watch out! [The babies starts to shout while running like the wind 
>to try escape the rock.]

JESSE: Suddenly, it’s UHF, only not as good. [UHF was a 1989 movie starring 
Wierd Al Yankovic]

>Tommy: You guys keep going! [Suddenly, the floor open itself in front of 
>them. Tommy, Phil & Lil made the jump, but Chuckie misses his, hanging on 
>the brink.] Chuckie: Tommy! Tommy: Come on, Chuckie! [Back to reality: The 
>rock was Didi's stomach.]

JESSE: D’oh!  Bad mental image there!

>Didi: Tommy! [The babies scream and run away.]

JESSE: I’m tempted to do the same, but I’ve got a promise to keep.

>Didi: You kids shouldn't be playing in here!

JESSE:[Didi] This is Mommy and Daddy’s “special room!”

>[The Rugrats run away at full speed...] Chuckie: [voice over] We thought 
>the fun times would last forever.

JESSE:[Chuckie] Then we wandered into Mommy and Daddy’s “special room.”

>[Rugrats run into glass patio door and fall on the floor] Chuckie: [voice 
>over] But we was wrong! Didi: Oh, my. [Betty holds onto Didi as she picks 
>up the Rugrats.]

JESSE: I may be ill if this keeps up. [rumages around in shopping cart] 
Thought I had an empty bucket in here...

>Betty: Upsy-daisy, Didi. Didi: Thanks!

JESSE:[sits down with bucket] Found it.

>[Betty opens the patio door and let the Rugrats go out. The grown-ups are 
>having a baby shower for Didi.] Susie: Thank you for inviting me to your 
>baby shower Mrs. Pickles. [Camera zooms out for a panoramic shot of the 
>whole party.]

JESSE: It shows a few regular women, then a Viking, an American Indian, a 
cop, and a construction worker.

>Didi: Glad you could be here, Susie. Woman #1: What a pretty party dress, 
>Angelica. Angelica: Thank you. My mommy's assistant bought it especially 
>for my Aunt Didi's party. [Susie laughs while making fun of Angelica's 
>dress.] Angelica: [to Susie] Don't say a word. [Along the fence, Aunt 
>Miriam is in front of a blackboard, taking bets on the new baby's weight.]

JESSE:[Dr. Forrester in “Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie”]  Ah, 
good.  You’re here...

>Aunt Miriam: All right, I got $20 on 8 pounds, 6 ounces. 8 pounds 6. Who's 
>got 8-7? Man: Twelve! Aunt Miriam: 12 pounds? What are you, crazy?

JESSE:[Man] You mean we’re not guessing on how big the Christmas ham will 
have to be?

>Chazz: Gosh, you can hardly tell she's gained any weight. [While turning 
>over, Didi knock over the table with her stomach.]

JESSE: Right.  You can’t tell.  And getting shots at the doctor doesn’t 
hurt, either.

>Woman #2: [as she proceeds to clean up the mess] Oh, don't worry. Chazz: I 
>mean, you know from behind. Minka: There you are, Didala. Come. Look what 
>we got for you. Boris, move your tuchus. Didi: A goat? Oh, mom, you 
>shouldn't have.

JESSE:[Didi] You know I’m already married.

>Minka: Nothing better for the little bubula than goat's milk. Boris: Except 
>maybe yak. But you try finding good yak these days. [The babies run here 
>and bump in the goat.]

JESSE:[sounds ready to throw up]

>Boris: [to the Rugrats] He's saying, "Hello". There you go, kinderlach, 
>some chocolate coins. [The Rugrats take the coins and hide their selves 
>under the table.] Woman #3: Everything I, Oh... [On way to table, Chuckie 
>bumps into ladies; they all gasp.] [Pan to bottom of table.] Phil: Aren't 
>you gonna eat it, Tommy? Tommy: Nope. I'm savin' it for my baby sister. 
>Chuckie: Oh, you mean, she finally came?

JESSE:[Tommy] Well, she’s a little young for that...

>Tommy: Not yet, but they're giving her this big party, so I'm pretty sure 
>today's the day. Lil: Do you think she got losted on her way to the party?

JESSE: I wish I’d “got losted” on the way to the theater.

>Tommy: Hmm, I don't know. Maybe we better go look for her. Come on! 
>[Rugrats climb out from under table.] Chuckie: Uh, but, Tommy, she could be 
>anywheres. [Chuckie bump into Didi's stomach.]

JESSE:[mimics kettle drum noise]

>Betty: Watch it, pups. Didi: Careful. [Charlotte arrives; as per usual, 
>she's talking to Jonathan on her cell phone.] Charlotte: [on phone] I'll 
>get back to you, Jonathan. I've got to say "hi" to the life of the party. 
>[to Didi]

JESSE:[Charlotte] Oh, *you’re* here?

>How's our little man? Didi: I told you, Charlotte, Dr Lipschitz says it's a 
>girl.

JESSE: You trust a doctor named Lipschitz?  I’m more inclined to think 
there’s a reason he got that name. (make it two words and flip them around)

>Betty: Ha! That windbag thought Phil and Lil were intestinal gas.

JESSE: See?!?!

>Aunt Miriam: Face it, dolly. Riding high, it's a guy. Charlotte: Well, you 
>know what they say, "Born under Venus, look for a..."

JESSE: ...gatuitous dick joke in a children’s movie.

>[Charlotte's phone rings, interrupting her conversation. She immediately 
>answers.] Charlotte: [on phone] Hello? Didi: Now, now, Dr Lipschitz is the 
>expert. I don't see any of you with a Ph.D. in Latin.

JESSE: My god!  You go to a guy with a doctorate in a dead language for 
medical treatment?  Well, mabey I won’t be stuck with a crappy job all my 
life after all.

>Betty: Yeah, pig Latin maybe. Well, let's just hope for Tommy's sake it's a 
>girl. I'd hate to think how much my pups would be squabbling if they were 
>both boys.

JESSE: Oh, good.  Betty refers to her children as immature canines and she 
thinks that at least one of them is gay, too.

>Didi: Uh, uh, uh. Let's not do any gender stereotyping. After all, Stu and 
>Drew are brothers, and they get along just fine.

JESSE: So do me and my brother.  Of course, it helps that he’s an idiot alot 
of the time...

>[Cut to basement, where Stu and Drew are arguing.] Stu: Pushy! Drew: Lazy! 
>Stu: Bossy! Drew: Inconsiderate! Stu: Nosy! Drew: Good-for nothing! Stu: 
>Busy-body! Both: Why can't you listen to me?

JESSE:[radio personality Don Imus] I think you’re *both* morons.

>Drew: We're talking about a real job, Stu, with benefits. Stu: [shouts] I'm 
>not going to waste my life as a clock-punching, paper-pushing, 
>bean-counting... [calms down] Oh, no offence.

JESSE:[to Stu] You mean “Ah, forget that crap,” right?

>[Stu proceeds to weld.] Drew: You can't even make ends meet now. You got no 
>insurance, no savings, and another kid on the way! Stu: For your 
>information, bro, I am working on something right now that is going to put 
>this branch of the Pickles family on Easy Street.

JESSE:[Stu] There’s a house on the corner of Reader Street that I’m looking 
at...[reference to the 80s edutainment program “Electric Company”]

>Drew: What is it this time, huh, an electric sponge? Stu: Of course not! 
>That was last year. [reveals a skeleton of the Reptar Wagon] This, this is 
>the Reptar Wagon! The ultimate in toddler transportation. The perfect 
>children's toy!

JESSE:[Stu, mad scientist style] Of course, I’ve still got tons of safety 
issues to work out, but that’ll still give me time to have it on the market 
by next month at the latest...

>[Grandpa fixes an old radio as he talks.] Grandpa: In my day, we had plenty 
>of fun just throwing rocks at each other. Big bag of dirt clods, that's 
>what the kids want.

JESSE: Speaking of clods, here’s Grandpa Pickles.

>Stu: The Reptar Corporation is holding a toy design contest, and the winner 
>gets $500! Drew: [sarcastically] Ooh! Stu: And there'll be plenty more if 
>this toy's a hit, and I'll be famous!

JESSE: Damn, he’s more optimistic about that stupid wagon than I am about my 
writing.

>Drew: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you said when you built that stupid 
>thing. [Drew points to a Dactar glider, which is suspended from the 
>ceiling.] Stu: Maybe Dactar was a little complex, but... this... 
>this...watch! [speaking into microphone, in normal voice] I am Reptar! Hear 
>me roar! Reptar Wagon: [Stu's voice, distorted] I am Reptar! Here me roar! 
>[The Reptar Wagon spit fire!]

JESSE: Then it explodes and kills all three of them!

>Grandpa: Dang-flabbit! Can't a man work in his own basement without getting 
>barbecued?

JESSE:[Drew] Well, if you’d remember to turn off your acetelene torch, you 
wouldn’t have that problem, now would you?

>Stu: OK, so maybe real fire isn't the best idea for a children's toy.

JESSE:[Stu] Like I said, tons of safety issues to work out...

>[Drew's clothes are smouldering; Stu sprays Drew with the fire 
>extinguisher.] [Cut to Tommy's room, which was remodelled for the new baby. 
>One side is blue, for Tommy's side, which has a Dummi-bear

JESSE: Oh, all the times I’ve been called that...

>bed, a "Smile!" poster and a trunk with smiles painted all over, The new 
>baby's side is pink, with a crib festooned with balloons, and an "It's a 
>girl!" banner on the wall. The Rugrats enter the room to their amazement.] 
>The Rugrats: Oh! Chuckie: Tommy, somebody's been colouring your room. 
>Tommy: Yep, it's for my new sister.

JESSE: Hey, Chuckie!  When did you get a Brittish accent?

>Phil: How are we gonna find her, Tommy? Chuckie: Yeah, we don't even know 
>what she looks like. Lil: Well, she's a girl like me, so we know she'll be 
>prettyful.

JESSE: Of what?

>Angelica: [enters, carrying a big bunch of cookies using the lower part of 
>her dress] Oh, brother! You dumb babies got a lot to learn about the facts 
>of lice.

JESSE: Lice are tiny parasitic insects that live either on the head or 
other, shall we say, “more delicate” areas of the body and cause them to 
itch.

>[shoves Rugrats en route to table] Now, get out of my way. I gotta get back 
>to the dessert table before the grownups get all the good stuff. [Angelica 
>dumps cookies on a table.]

JESSE: The Windows become almost impossible to use.

>Tommy: Angelica, can you help us find my baby sister? Angelica: I wouldn't 
>be in such a big hurry if I was you Tommy. 'Cause when the new baby gets 
>here, she's gonna gets all the toys and the love and the attention. And 
>your mommy and daddy'll forget all about you. It'll be like, "Look, Deed... 
>there's that little bald kid in the house again".

JESSE:[Tommy] And this’ll be different from normal in what way?

>Tommy: My mommy and daddy won't forget me. Angelica: That's what Spike said 
>before you were born. Back when his name was Paul. Tommy: Paul? Angelica: 
>Yeah,

JESSE:[Angelica] Paul Hogan.  {Yes, I know there’s a new “Crocidile Dundee” 
movie out, but what else besides that and the car commertials is he known 
for?}

>but, then you came along, and they put him out in the rain, and he turned 
>into a dog. Tommy: That's not gonna happen to me, Angelica. My mommy and 
>daddy will love me no matter what! [Voice over: Susie is outside, singing 
>to the tune of the first couple of lines of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" 
>[or "The Alphabet Song", or "Baa Baa Black Sheep"].

JESSE:[transcripter] I’m not sure which.  It could be “Stars and Stripes 
Forever.”

>Boris accompanies her on accordion. Angelica looks on from Tommy's room.] 
>Susie: [singing] A baby is very neat; a baby is a special treat. Angelica: 
>Ugh! Who does Susie Carmichael think she is?

JESSE: The grandchild of Lucille Carmichael, perhaps? (“I Love Lucy” 
reference)

>Susie: A baby has lots of toes; a baby has a tiny nose. [Angelica leaves 
>while the other Rugrats watch from inside.] [Cut to outside. All are 
>singing, unless specified.] Susie: A baby is a little dickens, a baby is a 
>cuddly chicken.

JESSE: I never thought chickens were cuddly.  Unless she’s somehow refering 
to *that* chicken... I’m gonna be ill! [barfs in bucket mentioned earlier]

>[Angelica is next to Didi's belly, chuckling, as she plans to make her 
>move.] Susie:  A baby is lots of joy... [Angelica barges in.] Angelica: A 
>baby will get all the toys! Susie: [spoken, to Angelica] What are you 
>doing?

JESSE: Planning to clean out this bucket next chance I get.

>Susie: A baby has a smiley face... Angelica: A baby is from outside space!

JESSE:[singing, “Slime Creatures from Outer Space” by Wierd Al.] Slime 
creatures from outer space!

>Susie: [spoken, disgusted] Angelica! Angelica: [spoken, taunting] Susie! 
>Susie: A baby is extra fancy... Angelica: A baby poops in his pantsies!

JESSE: True...

>Susie: [spoken, angry] Cut it out! Angelica: [spoken, defiant] No! [Music 
>switches to a Tejano beat, using different arrangment.] [The Rugrats climb 
>outside to watch.] Susie: Like a birdie, singing in a tree! Angelica: More 
>like Reptar, screaming in your ear!

JESSE: No, that’s you two!

>Both: A baby is a gift, a gift from a Bob! A baby is a gift from a Bob, 
>Bob, Bob!

JESSE: Bob Hope?

>A baby is a gift... [Angelica does a gagging gesture.] Susie: A gift from a 
>Bob! [Cut to under table, where the Rugrats crawled underneath. Tommy & 
>Chuckie are talking, while music continues under.] Chuckie: Do you really 
>think babies are a gift from a Bob? Tommy: I don't know. Why?

JESSE: I keep asking myself that and can’t find an answer.

>Chuckie: Because if Bob bringed a gift, it's probably one of them. [Return 
>to Susie & Angelica; music reverts to "Twinkle Twinkle", though the Tejano 
>flavor remains.] Susie: A baby is very special! Angelica: A baby is, is 
>[screams] notttt! [Song ends; Angelica's screaming has induced Didi's 
>labor. Didi groans in discomfort.]

JESSE: I been doing that for awhile now.

>Didi: Oh! Betty, it's time! Betty: It's time? Oh, boy. [to crowd] Everybody 
>to your stations, people!

JESSE:[between “Star Trek” ‘red alert’ noises] Red Alert!  Red Alert!

>Howard, get Stu. Charlotte, call the hospital. Deed, start your breathing. 
>Come on, good girl. [Didi begins her rhythmic breathing.] [The other 
>grownups pick up the Rugrats.] Grandpa: Up we go, sprout. We got a Pickle 
>to deliver.

JESSE: Yeah, that’s what he told himself the first time he made out with 
Grandma Pickle.

>Charlotte: Let's go to the car, kids. [During the rush, the goat broke 
>loose and destroyed the party. While the goat destroys things, it set off 
>the sprinkler system.] Charlotte: Would somebody turn that sprinkler off?

JESSE:[Samurai Pizza Cats theme] Would someone please cue that bird?

>[The goat comes inside, dragging a chair on his leg.] [Grandpa and Tommy 
>look on.] Grandpa: Now, that's what I call a baby shower!

JESSE: And it’s what I call my cue to go rinse out this bucket!
[exit through double doors to lobby and then mall corridor.]

[In the corridor is a mall security guard that bears a strong resemblence to 
Don Knots as Barney Fife of “The Andy Griffith Show”.  He talks with me 
about the goings-on in the old theater]

FIFE: So, you have the old theater rented out, do you?
JESSE: Sure do.  And it has been worth every penny so far.  I’ve got a year 
contract with the mall.
FIFE: Really?  What, ah, sort of thing are you doing in there, anyway?
JESSE: Private showings, mostly.  Alot of the content will be Internet 
postings.  Low-grade fanfiction, fan transcripts, that sort of thing.  
You’re certainly welcome to come join in if you’d like.  I’m sure I’ll be 
having other guests before my rental agreement runs out.
FIFE: That’s right kind of you, sir.  By the way, I don’t think I caught 
your name.
JESSE: Jesse Shearer.
FIFE: Barney Fife, mall security.  You the guy on the marquis, there?
JESSE: Yep.  The whole “J. Michael Shearer” thing is just for looks.
FIFE: That’s interesting.  Say, what’s in the bucket?
JESSE: Huh?
FIFE: The bucket?
JESSE: Oh, this?  This is my barf bucket.  Today’s feature is conjuring up 
some rather disturbing images, and I already need to clean this thing out.
FIFE: What’s the feature?
JESSE: “The Rugrats Movie.”  It’s a theatrical episode of a popular 
children’s television series.
FIFE: If a kids’ movie can make an adult like you do that, I have got to 
wonder about the way we’re raising our kids today.
JESSE: You’d be supprised.
[The sounds of a ruckus starting up nearby can be heard.]
FIFE: Well, I’d better go get that cleared up.  Have fun with the movie.  
See you later, Jesse. [Heads off to clear up chaos]
JESSE: You, too, Mr. Fife.  Now, to get this bucket cleaned up.

[NOTES]

	Yep, I’m an “Andy Griffith Show” fan.  Deputy Barney Fife is one of my 
favorite characters.  Personally, I think Don Knots did a great job with the 
role.  He always makes me laugh when I see the show.
	As far as other possible guests for “J. Micheal Shearer’s Theater 3000,” as 
I’ve decided to call this line of self-insertion MiSTings, may eventually 
include other “guest characters” from around the Internet.  Naturally, 
before I do those editions, I’ll see if I can get permission before I go 
ahead with it.  But, it’s just an idea at this point, and something to look 
forward to.

[The double doors open to reveal the theater with the movie on the same 
scene where I left]

>[Cut to exterior of the "Lipschitz Maternity Arts Building"; 3 cars race to 
>the front enterance. Cut to interior, looking at a bank of monitors with 
>Dr. Lipschitz's image on each monitor.]

JESSE: Now, there *is* a sight that would induce labor.

>Lipschitz: [on monitors] Welcome to the Werner P. Lipschitz Center for 
>Holistic Birthing, offering the modern parent the state of the art in 
>primitive birth alternatives.

JESSE: Ah.  Primitive birth alternatives.  That would explain the “Planet of 
the Apes” theme going on in the background.

>[While Lipschitz speaks, a statue with Lipschitz holding several babies 
>come into view. Then, cut to a board that displays the names of mothers 
>giving birth, in a fashion of the "Arrivals" and "Delays" board at 
>airports.

JESSE: OK, if I ever get married and have kids, I am *NOT* taking my wife 
there.  I don’t think she’d like being refered to “Flight United 26” too 
well.

>The gang arrive at the reception desk.] Nurse: Oh, Mrs. Pickles! You 
>weren't due till next week, now, dear. Well, I guess we could try and 
>squeeze you in somewhere, huh?

JESSE: Now I’m *DEFFINATELT* not going there.  Even HMOs let you give birth 
on nature’s schedule.

>Didi: But Dr Lipschitz promised us the all-natural Zen experience in the 
>Tibetan terrace room!

JESSE: Did he?  I thought you’d have learned about the values of anesthetics 
the first time around.

>Boris: In my day, a woman just dropped her baby in the potato field and 
>kept going. [Nurse opens door to a room that has maternity equipment in a 
>middle of a potato field, complete with cows and a farmer.] Nurse: Ah, yes, 
>the old country room.

JESSE: Oh no.  As if having childbirth in a kids’ movie wasn’t bad enough, 
now it’s advancing stereotypes as well.

>Didi: Do you have anything a little cleaner? Nurse: We could try the 
>aquatic immersion room. [The gang looks at a window of a tank that has 
>fish, a sea turtle and ruins, plus the pre-requisite maternity gear. The 
>new mother pictured is in scuba gear, while her doctor [holding the 
>notepad] is in an old-fashioned sea diver's outfit.] Minka: She's having a 
>baby, not a gefilte fish!

JESSE: A *what* fish?

>[A couple of doctors enter; one of them is Dr. Lucy Carmichael.] Dr. Lucy: 
>Oh! Stu, Didi, Randy called to say you were on your way. [laughs] I didn't 
>realize you were bringing the whole party! How far apart are the pains, 
>hon?

JESSE: That depends, Ms. Ball.  How quickly can you speak coherently?

>Stu: Oh, they're... [Didi squeezes Stu's hand very tight] pretty much 
>constant.

JESSE:[to Stu] No, that’s from being in the movie.  The doctor’s refering to 
labor pains.

>Dr. Lucy: OK, Didi; let's go and get you settled in, huh? [The Rugrats are 
>placed in a playpen.] Grandpa: Here you go, sprout. Didi: [to Tommy] Don't 
>worry, sweetie, mommy's going to be OK.

JESSE:[to Tommy] Question her sanity, kid.  Do it every day of your life.  
After all, look where she’s giving birth to your new sibling.

>[Grown-ups leave; Didi continues her breathing exercises. Grandpas Lou & 
>Boris sit nearby, preparing to play cards.] Chuckie: Oh, gosh, Tommy, your 
>mommy sure seems upset. Lil: Maybe your baby sister really is losted.

JESSE: I’m starting to wind up that way.

>Tommy: Whoa! Maybe we can buy her a new one. [Tommy pulls out his chocolate 
>coin.]

JESSE: *Coin* or *groin*?  Suddenly, I have this nasty twitch in my eye and 
can’t really read that.

>Chuckie: Where're we gonna find a baby in a place like this? [Pull away to 
>reveal several doctors walking around, carrying babies. The Rugrats, in the 
>usual fashion, break out of the playpen, and crawl out without being caught 
>by Grandpas Lou and Boris, who are too busy playing "Fish".] Grandpa: You 
>got any queens?

JESSE:[Grandpa Boris]  I was never into that “stone” music.  Go fish.

>Boris: Go fish!

JESSE: Mabey when I’m done with the movie.

>[The Rugrats enter the newborns' nursery.] Phil: Hey, a baby store. Lil: 
>Nice and wiggly. Tommy: You guys, help me pick one my mom will like. [The 
>song "This World Is Something New To Me" begins as babies cry and Chuckie 
>steps on one of the light switches on the floor. For your convenience, the 
>newborns' lines will be identified by the artist singing it.] Lisa Loeb: 
>Where am I?

JESSE: Hell.

>B Real: How did I get here?

JESSE: You sold your soul to the devil.

>Patti Smith: Today is very different than yesterday. Lou Rawls: So this is 
>the world?

JESSE: Unfortunately.

>Laurie Anderson: I miss my old womb. Gordon Gano: The wallpaper here just 
>ain't the same.

JESSE: I would think not.

>Fred Schneider: This word is something strange.

JESSE: Don’t worry.  You’ll get used to it in 20 or 30 years.

>Loeb: I'm wet, Phife: I'm cold, Lenny Kravitz: [waggles diaper] I need a 
>change, All: [tosses blankets in air] This world is something new to me. 
>Phife: [on one monitor] Oh, my head! What is this? I can't take it!

JESSE: That security guard would have loved this.

>Dawn Robinson: [on an adjacent monitor] Me either! [Robotic camera zooms in 
>on next baby] Beck: I'm hungry, Rawls: I'm tired, Jakob Dylan: [pounds crib 
>floor to make pacifier bounce] I'm irritated.

JESSE: See what you get for taking a job in the fast food business?

>Rawls: But I love the extra leg room.

JESSE: You’ll get to like that “extra leg” in a few years, too!

>Smith: [Points to her bellybutton] Man! They cut my cord! Iggy Pop: [Looks 
>in his diaper to see, uh, something Jewish boys get, usually at birth] 
>Consider yourself lucky!

JESSE: I know how you feel, kid.  They did the same to me when I was your 
age.

>Dylan: This world is way too big. Pop: [baby points at Chuckie] And 
>populated by fuzzy pigs.

JESSE: How the hell would a newborn know what a pig looks like?

>All: This world is something new to me. Schneider: This world is such a 
>gas. [passes gas] Kate Pierson & Cindy Wilson: P.U., where's your class?

JESSE: The animal science building, room 105.

>All: This world is something new to me. [Two baby carriers collide with 
>each other as the Rugrats push them around]

JESSE:[New York taxi driver] Morons...

>Beck: [shouts] Quiet! can't a guy get some shuteye? Smith: [shouts] It's so 
>noisy in here. Pop: [shouts] I can barely hear myself suck.

JESSE: I can hear you sucking just fine.  Could you keep it down, please?

>[baby grabs bottle from Chuckie] Dylan: The food here tastes pretty good, 
>Phife: My compliments to the chef. Robinson: And you gotta holler to get 
>fed. Rawls: But I could get used to that. [babies cry; Chuckie falls on 
>floor onto a light switch] Loeb: This world is way too bright,

JESSE: You’re living in California and you think the world is way too 
bright?

>Beck: Can't somebody turn down the light?

JESSE:[stands up, reaches into cart, gets a juice box, and chucks it towards 
the screen, aiming for a lightswitch.]

>Beck: [as another baby; looks inside diaper] So that's what that thing 
>looks like.

JESSE: I’m starting to feel dizzy.  I think it’s all the genitalia 
references.

>Dylan: All things here are meant for play,

JESSE: Good thing I cleaned up the barf bucket...

>[throws pacifier; robotic camera follows it] Schneider: It's gonna be a 
>real cool day. All: This world is something new to me. [Newborns pee in the 
>air to make a fountain,

JESSE:[singing] We’re off to see the whiz-ard...

>while unidentified babies sing: "da-de-da-da-da", etc.; one of the female 
>babies say "Real cool", while another one says "Look!"]

JESSE: I’d rather not.

>All: [as rainbow forms] This world is something new to me. [Robotic camera 
>retracts and monitor shuts off as number ends. The Grandpas enter the 
>nursery.] Grandpa: There you are.

JESSE:[Bill Cosby, Picture Pages] And here I am.

>Boris: Oy, gevalt! You kinder gave my ticker such a scare. [They pick up 
>the Rugrats and leave the nursery. As they leave, they shut the light out, 
>and the rainbow from the musical number fades away.]

JESSE: Thank god.

>[Cut to Didi's room. Apparently, the room she has chosen is the usual, 
>ordinary birthing room. Didi's rhythmic breathing continues, though it's 
>now at a faster pace. The staff work on Didi while Dr. Lucy gives orders.] 
>Dr. Lucy: [to Didi] All right, Did, you can do it. Push now! [to the staff] 
>Have we got a good reading on the EFM?

JESSE:[Dr. Lucy] And where’s the machine that goes beep?

>[Didi screams. We cut to what seems to be a graphic representation of a 
>baby being born, from a baby's point of view inside Didi's body.

JESSE:[barfing noises]

>In order, we see a blast of blue light, a group of planets, a school of 
>fish mingling in aquatic plantlife, dinosaurs, dolphins, monkeys [one of 
>them waving a bone],

JESSE:[hums part of theme from “2001: A Space Oddesy”]

>Stonehenge, The Sphinx, atoms, and finally, bright light. These items zoom 
>by while the baby is born. A grand version of the Rugrats theme plays 
>under. After the bright light, we cut back to outside Didi's body, still 
>looking from the baby's point of view, which starts out as out-of-focus.]

JESSE: Too bad this isn’t really “2001.”  I’d probably be enjoying it alot 
more.

>Dr. Lucy: Here it comes. Didi: Gorgeous! Stu: Didi, she's so beautiful. 
>She's... she's a boy!

JESSE:[sarcastically singing: “Flying Saucer” by Brave Combo] I’m tired of 
the same old job, and the same old recreation, my life in general boresma to 
the core.  I need a permanent vacation; but I’m not gonna fool myself, I’m 
not gonna tell me lies; I won’t pretend anything at all, but I really need a 
big supprise.

>[Baby's eyes are now in focus.] Didi: Hello, my wonderful, sweet baby boy. 
>[Switch back to audience's point of view, where we now see the new baby in 
>Didi's arms.] Stu: Well, I guess we won't be naming him after my mother.

JESSE: What’s wrong with naming him Joe?

>Didi: He doesn't look much like a Trixie. What about my cousin Dylan? Stu: 
>Dylan Prescott Pickles. Nurse: Dil Pickles.

JESSE: Thank god the family name isn’t Doe.  Then his name would be Dil Doe.

>Stu: Yeah, I like it. [Grandpa take Tommy into Didi's room. After being 
>placed next to Dr. Lucy, Tommy gives her his chocolate coin.] Grandpa: Here 
>you go, sprout. Didi: Tommy, I want you to meet someone very special. This 
>is your brother, Dylan. Dil, this is Tommy. Tommy: Baby... Didi: [to Stu] 
>See, they already love each other.

JESSE: Yeah, right.  She probably thought the same thing about her first 
boyfriend even though the first thing he said to her was “Go to Hell.”

>[Dil tweaks Tommy's nose. Tommy cries, and about a couple of seconds later, 
>Dil cries too.] Betty: Well, that's a start. [Cut to exterior of the 
>Pickles house. Caption: "Four Weeks Later"; a gong sounds. Cut to the 
>kitchen, where Stu and Didi are in their morning clothes, and the kitchen 
>is a big mess. Didi is literally sleeping in the kitchen sink, among the 
>suds.

JESSE: Boy, I’ve heard that post-partum depression could get severe, but 
that’s way more than I’d expected.

>Dil is crying continuously.] Stu: Didi, what are we gonna do? He hasn't 
>stopped crying since we brought him home. [Pan to playpen] Phil: Somehow 
>it's not as much fun around here anymore.

JESSE: Yes, this does become quite a chore sometimes.  How I manage to 
endure, I don’t know.

>Chuckie: Yeah! What is your brother so sad about?

JESSE: Well, he’s in this movie, and he’s going to have to spend the rest of 
his life as a two-month-old.  Figure it out.

>Tommy: I don't know! But whatever it is,it must be really bad. Lil: Maybe 
>he's broked! Tommy: What? Phil & Lil: Broked! [A monkey's head on a cymbal 
>doll that Lil was holding pops off.] Tommy: Broked? [Stu, Didi and a 
>still-grying Dil walk by.] Tommy: He's not broked, he's a... just a little 
>loud! Angelica: Ooh! That baby's getting on my nerves!

JESSE: Most air molecules get on her nerves at one time or another.

>[Angelica goes into another room and slams the door. Grandpa is in his 
>chair, sleeping as a fishing show is seen. The goat is next to him, also 
>sleeping. Angelica changes the channel and turns up the volume. The first 
>thing she sees is a commercial. Caption: "Coming Soon". The commercial had 
>monkeys and a ringmaster doing tricks in a circus ring.]

JESSE: Hey, they’re filming at my job!

>Commercial: Direct from Moscow, the Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! 
>Featuring the most amazing monkeys since Brezhnev! This is real monkey 
>business, so Trotsky on down. The Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! [circus 
>logo slides into view] Angelica: [shouts] Grandpa! Can we go to the circus? 
>[The goat bump into the armchair's back.] Grandpa: It's enough of a circus 
>around here already!

JESSE: The same was true of my house when me and my brother were kids, but 
that never stopped *us* from going to the circus.

>[Cut to an old steam train, which pulls into a station. Two men, Serge and 
>Igor, leave the locomotive.] Igor: Serge, you stay here and watch monkeys, 
>I get us coffee. Serge: No, Igor, you stay and watch monkeys, and I get us 
>coffee. Igor: Nyet! Monkeys watch you, I get coffee! [Cut to interior of 
>diner, where both men are enjoying their coffee.

JESSE: At least they didn’t decide to spank the monkeys.

>Igor drinks from a cup, while Serge drinks from a dish. Both are also 
>eating donuts. Their train is in view through a window, as monkeys climb 
>out and on top of the train.]

JESSE:[singing, theme to the TV show “The Monkeys”] Hey, hey, we’re the 
monkeys; people say we monkey around...

>Serge: I think coffee's better in St. Petersburg. Igor: Nyet, is better in 
>Kiev. Serge: No, it's better in St. Petersburg! Igor: Nothing is better in 
>St. Petersburg! [While the men argue over coffee, the monkeys commandeer 
>the train, and were able to move it. Serge does a "spit-take".] Serge: 
>Look! The train!

JESSE:[Herve Villachez, “Fantasy Island”] De train!  De train!

>[The men rush out, bumping over tables and other customers.] Serge: Let me 
>out! Stop! [While the men continue shouting, the train races off in the 
>distance. One of the monkeys driving the train puts on an engineer's cap 
>and smiles. After it passes a "Danger, Slow Curve" sign, it derailed, 
>crashing into the forest. Before we fade out, one of the monkeys climb out, 
>bewildered.] [Fade into a night scene, where Didi is reading a bedtime 
>story to Tommy.] Didi: And then the wizard looked down at the little boy 
>and said: "your wish has been granted". And the little boy looked...

JESSE: ...around and said “What the hell am I still doing in this movie?”

>[Dil starts crying again.] Stu: Deed! Help!

JESSE: There are lawyers that can give you deed help if you need it.

>Didi: I'll be back, sweetie. [Cut to Stu, who's holding Dil at his crib.] 
>Stu: All I did was cough, Deed. I tried not to, but I had a feeling in my 
>throat. And then I coughed! And now he's crying! [Dil hiccups.] And now 
>he's got the hiccups! [Stu sobs.] Didi: Oh, Stu. [Didi places a baby 
>pacifier into Stu's mouth. Didi cranks a baby mobile; Stu spits out the 
>pacifier.] Didi: Stu, why don't you sing Dil a lullaby?

JESSE:[Stu] Uh, because I... don’t know how to sing?

>[Dil hiccups.] Stu: I am too tired to sing. Didi: All right. I'll make 
>something up. Stu: Good. [Tommy holds up his book, but he's ignored.]

JESSE: This is holding up other projects.  I *can’t* ignore it.

>[The couple starts to sing, ad-libbing as they go along.]

JESSE: Right.  Comepletely unscripted.

>Didi: Baby, please, rest your head. Stu: Yeah... now it is time for bed.

JESSE:[singing] Unless you want to wind up dead...

>Didi: [spoken] That's good. Stu: [spoken] Thanks. Didi: You're cuter 
>than... Stu: Uncle Ned! [They both giggle.] Didi: Our little...

JESSE: son Fred?

>Stu: Uh... quadroped? Didi: [spoken] Oh, Stu. It didn't work. He's still 
>awake.

JESSE: *I’m* starting to fall asleep, though.

>Stu: [spoken] I got one. I got one.

JESSE:[secretary from “Ghostbusters”] WE GOT ONE!!!!

>Didi: [spoken] OK. Stu: Twinkle! Twinkle! How times flies... Didi: Slowly 
>in the starry skies. Stu: Baby, please, close your eyes!

JESSE: Yeah, that’ll help keep the flies out.

>Didi: Shh, shh, shh...you're as sweet as... Stu: Apple pies! [Tommy holds 
>up one of Stu's slippers, but he's still ignored.] Didi: As you grow, and 
>love and play... [Didi tucks Dil in his crib.] Stu: In our hearts, you'll 
>always stay.

JESSE: So long as he don’t turn out gay...

>[A dejected Tommy walks away whith his book and Stu's slipper. Stu kisses 
>Dil.] Didi: So sleep and dream the night away, eh? [Lights are turned out. 
>Dil falls asleep. Didid kisses Dil.]

JESSE: Hey, cool!  We’re in an Adventures of Lolo game!

>Stu: [spoken] Ah, that was good. [Stu & Didi walk out of the boys' room. 
>Tommy is in the closet, holding one of Stu's slippers. He sings his own 
>line of the lullaby, to himself:] Tommy: Baby, please, rest your head. Now 
>it is time for bed. Please stop. Don't you see? I want mom and dad for me.

JESSE: Aw, man.  It’s that kind of movie again.

>[Tommy sheds some tears. Camera is focused again on Dil, when we hiccups a 
>little.] [Cut to outside, where Spike is also forgotten, in the rain. He 
>howls.] [Fade in to next day; the Rugrats are playing inside a crate to be 
>used to ship the Reptar Mobile to Japan. Grandpa finds them playing among 
>the foam peanuts.]

JESSE: He gets a hammer and some nails, then procedes to seal the crate and 
ship it to Japan.

>Grandpa: Hey, sprouts, crate's no place for you to play. You wouldn't want 
>to get shipped to Japan with Reptar, now would you?

JESSE: I’d like them to get shipped to Japan *without* Reptar.

>[Grandpa picks up the crate and moves it to the next room.]

JESSE: Hey, Gramps!  You forgot to take the kids out!  Not that I mind, or 
anything...

>Grandpa: I better put this where I can keep an eye on it. [We see Dil 
>nibbling on what was Tommy's blanket.] Chuckie: Dil, that's Tommy's 
>blankie.

JESSE: Well, at least it’s not his diapie. [pause] Great.  Now I’m even 
starting to talk like them.

>Tommy: Yeah, it used to sleep with me before we even got you! Dil: My 
>blankie!

JESSE:[Dil] My dickie!

>[Dil hit Tommy with his rattle.] Chuckie: He's not very nice. [Dil hits 
>Chuckie.] Lil: That's not how you get things from a brother, Tommy. Tommy: 
>It's not? Lil: It is not. Here, watch. [Lil shoves Tommy & Chuckie, then 
>tries to take a Reptar doll from Phil.]

JESSE: Hey, I got a better idea.  Give him something then leave the room for 
five minutes.  If he’s thrown it on the floor by the time you get back, he’s 
good to go.

>Phil: Hey, that's my Reptar, Lillian! Lil: Is not Phillip!

JESSE: Well, no, it wouldn’t be.  Not if it’s supposed to be Reptar.

>Phil: Is too, Lillian! Lil: Is not! Phil: Is too! Lil: Is not!

JESSE:[slight musical quality] Phil and Lil!

>[Lil tosses Phil to ground. Arguing stops.] Lil: See, Tommy, now you try 
>it. [Tommy now tries to get his teddy bear from Dil.] Dil: Teddy mine!

JESSE:[slight musical quality] Dil!

>Tommy: Mine! Dil: Mine! Tommy: Mine! Dil: Mine!

JESSE:[to “Returners’ Theme,” US Final Fantasy 3] da-da da-da-dada

>Tommy: Mine! Dil: Mine! [Dil gives Tommy a rattle hit. The babies continue 
>to tug at the bear.] Phil: Gosh, Tommy learns fast.

JESSE: And yet, oh so slowly.

>Lil: Yeah.

JESSE: Time for a break...
[exits through double doors to lobby and corridors]

[Barney Fife is outside the theater again, ready for another chat.  I have 
the barf bucket, ready for cleaning again]

FIFE: Cleaning out the old bucket again, Mr. Shearer?
JESSE: Yeah, unfortunately.  And Jesse will be fine, sir.
FIFE: OK then, Jesse.  That must be some film if you’re out cleaning that 
thing again.  You sure it’s a kids’ film?
JESSE: Oh, absolutely.  You’d be supprised how many ways there are to take 
the things they talk about.
FIFE: I’m sure I would.
JESSE: Oh, hey, did you get that rucus cleared up?
FIFE:  Yeah.  Some guy was having a disagreement with his sister and 
girlfriend.
JESSE: Really?  What about?
FIFE: Well, apparently they wanted to go to the shoe store at the other end 
of the mall, and he wanted to wait in the arcade.  I took care of it, 
though.
JESSE: It would have been interesting to see how it came out.
FIFE: Once they all calmed down a little bit, the ladies draged their friend 
off to the shoe store.
[A guy in a red straw had runs by and ducks down a corridor with a neon 
“Restrooms” sign above it.]
JESSE: You think his sister and ladyfriend will be close behind?
FIFE: Probably.  What do you think we should do?
[Two pretty young women approach Barney and I.]
JESSE:[to Fife] Mind if I handle this?
FIFE:[to Jesse] Be my guest.
WOMAN #1: Did a guy in a red straw had come by here?
JESSE: Yep.  Looked like he was headed for the arcade.
WOMAN #2: I am going to hurt him *so bad* for this.
JESSE: Now, go easy on the fella.  Clothes shopping can be stressful for a 
guy. [slightly under breath] Especailly in this case.
WOMAN #1: Still, it wasn’t polite to ditch us like that!
JESSE: I gotta agree with that.  But hey, you’d better go get your friend 
before he has a chance to move again.
WOMAN #2: Thanks!  Where can we find you again?
JESSE: I’m renting the old theater here for a while.
WOMAN #1: We might drop by and see you later.
JESSE: OK!
[The women run off for the arcade]
FIFE: Looks like you could be seeing some action.
JESSE: Could be.  I’d better go see if I can coax the guy in the hat out.
FIFE: I’ll go keep an eye on his friends.  See you later.
JESSE: You, too!

{NOTES}

	OK, first off, I gotta give credit where credit is due.  I don’t think I’d 
have had the idea for the host segment directly prior without reading the 
Internet comic “The World of Vicki Fox.”  Thank you Michael Russell.  A good 
idea is a good idea wherever it is.  At first, I was going to do a whole 
edition with “Vicki Fox” characters as guests, but was disuaded by reading 
several posts about a related topic on the site’s discussion board.  (For 
full details on, well, everything about the comic and its characters, check 
http://www.vickifox.com.  It’s a real hoot!  But please don’t mention *me*.) 
  I suppose there really wouldn’t have been a way to make the thing work 
right anyway, and I have enough trouble making my MiSTs work right as is.
	I suppose it’s a little late to mention my email address 
(ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com) at this point, but feel free to use it to let 
me know what you think of this particular endeavor.  It’s certainly been a 
challenge, especially with the major changes I’ve got on the horizon in my 
personal life.  But it’s been worth it thus far, and I’m interested in 
hearing what others think.
[double doors open to reveal theater with movie in same point as before 
break]

>[Grandpa and Stu take the Reptar Wagon from the basement.] Stu: Hurry, pop, 
>they'll be here to pick it up any minute.

JESSE:[Stu] And be careful not to drop it!

>[Angelica & Drew come over.] Angelica: Daddy,

JESSE:[Gramps] Dah! [imitates crashing sounds, ie the Reptar Wagon being 
dropped and broken]

>why can't I watch Shirleylock Holmes at our house? I'll never be able to 
>hear it with that new baby squaking the whole time! Drew: Now, sweetheart, 
>daddy's got to put in a little overtime today, so that mommy won't be so 
>ashamed of his quarterly earnings.

JESSE:[Drew, under breath] Because she’s already too ashamed of his lack of 
manliness.

>[Stu answers the door.] Angelica: Hi, Uncle Stu. Sorry to hear your pony is 
>so slow.

JESSE: D’ooh-hoo-hoo!

>Stu: Uh, we don't have a pony Angelica.

JESSE:[Stu] At least, acording to Aunt Didi, we don’t.

>Angelica: [to Drew] Then how come you told mommy Aunt Didi got saddled with 
>a loser. Stu: "Loser"? Drew: He--he... I...

JESSE:[singing, “Loser” by Beck] Soy... imperior!  Stu’s a loser, baby; so 
why don’t you kill him?

>[Dil cries.] Stu: Excuse me, bro. My tax deductions are crying! [Stu slams 
>door. Drew opens it again and puts Angelica's things inside.] Drew: You 
>can't deduct them if you don't have any income! [Drew slams door.]

JESSE:[Drew] I’m gonna make his project fail so bad...

>[Tommy & Dil are still arguing over the teddy. The other Rugrats watch, 
>while Chuckie is exhibiting signs of boredom.]

JESSE: I know the feeling.  Boy, do I know the feeling.

>Stu: Tommy! Dil! Boys, What are you doing? Chuckie: Ohh... Stu: Dil... 
>let's say we give Tommy a little turn with the bear, huh? [Stu tries to 
>take the teddy bear, causing Dil to cry.]

JESSE:[singing, “Your Horoscope for Today,” Weird Al Yankovic] You will 
never find true happiness --watcha gonna do, cry about it?

>Stu: Or not. [Stu returns the teddy to Dil; this stopped Dil's crying, but 
>now Tommy cries.] Stu: Hey, champ, why don't you come with me for a minute? 
>I got something to show you that's even better than your old teddy bear.

JESSE: Oh, good lord, no!

>[Stu picks up Tommy and takes him to his workshop. After setting him on the 
>workbench, Stu gives Tommy a pocket watch.] Stu: We weren't going to give 
>you this until you were a little bit older, but, I think now's the right 
>time. Shiny, huh?

JESSE:[Stu] It’s called a tool.  Just like your daddy.

>And Grandpa Lou put your picture inside. I know it's hard, Tommy.

JESSE: Uh, Stu?  Should you be telling him about that sort of thing before 
he’s out of diapers?

>You have a little brother now, and that's a big change.

>[Tommy puts down the watch.]

JESSE:[pulls a water gun out of the cart and hoses down the watch.]

>Stu:  Uh, Dil can be pretty tough to get along with, huh? But sometimes 
>little brothers, they aren't everything you'd hoped they'd be.

JESSE: Sometimes they’re a whole hell of a lot more, too.

>[Stu opens a drawer , shoves a "Zen For Dads" book aside, then pulls out a 
>picture of himself and Drew, when they were kids. Stu was wearing a 
>baseball glove, while Drew is holding the bat.] Stu:  That's why big 
>brothers have got to have faith.

JESSE:[singing, “Faith” by George Michael]  You gotta have faith!  Faith ah 
faith ah faith!

>And one day, you'll see... he'll change. After all, you've got 
>responsibility now. I know I can trust that you'll stick by Dil's side and 
>be a swell big brother.

JESSE:[to Tommy] And, I know this will seem a bit irrelevant right now, but 
if Dil takes after the old man there and ever offers to fix your car in the 
winter, be sure to turn him down.  You’ll live to regret it otherwise.

>[Tommy looks at the watch in his hands.] Tommy: [thinking] Sponsatility.

JESSE: Better than infertility, for sure.

>[Cut back upstairs, where a goat is earing sleeping Grandpa's newspaper. 
>The Rugrats stand and look at the Reptar Wagon.] Phil & Lil: Wow!

JESSE:[Phil and/or Lil] I’ve never seen anything suck so badly in my life!

>Chuckie: What is that, you guys? Lil: Reptar! Phil: On wheels! Chuckie: 
>What do you think it's for? Phil: I don't know.

JESSE: It’s called a plot point or device, I believe.  I’ve never been too 
good with that sort of thing.

>[Lil climbs into the wagon.]

JESSE: Immediately, her legs are shredded and the adults have to rush her to 
hospital for tetanus.

>Lil: I bet it could take us to the baby store. Phil: Great idea, Lillian. 
>We could take Dil to the hopsicle and get Tommy's money back. [Lil climbs 
>out.] Lil: Yeah! It's money back bearantee. Chuckie: Guys! Guys, Tommy's 
>not gonna be happy about this.

JESSE: Yeah.  In the end, Tommy’ll find that it’s actually pretty great 
having a little brother.  I know that’s what I think now.  Of course, twenty 
years ago was a different story entirely...

>[Phil & Lil lug Dil towards the wagon and places him in there.] Lil: Well, 
>he's sure not happy now. Chuckie: Well...

JESSE:[tone of Bester, Babylon 5] Neither was I when “Brain Guy” was that 
age, but I got over it.

>Lil: You watch. Once Dil goes back to the baby store, Tommy will be happy 
>here. Chuckie: I don't know about this.

JESSE:[same as above] And I disagree with it, but by all means, go ahead.

>[Tommy enters the room.] Tommy: What are you doing? Phil: We, uh, actually, 
>Lillian was, uh...

JESSE:[Phil, nervous] We thought it would be cool if Lil took off all her 
clothes...

>Lil: We're taking Dil back to the hopsicle, Tommy. We're gonna get your 
>moneys back. Tommy: What?

JESSE:[Tommy] The only monkey I have is the one in my pants.

>You can't do that. My mommy and daddy wanna keep him. Chuckie: See? See? 
>Phil: Why? All he does is cry and poop. Tommy: So do you.

JESSE: Two points for Tommy!

>Phil: I don't cry that much. Tommy: Well, you poop an awful lot. Phil: Look 
>who's talking Mr. Chocolate Pants. Tommy: I am not a poopie monster!

JESSE: That just altered my memories of Sesamie Street for the next month. 
[regarding the Cookie Monster character]

>[Angelica is in the living room, watching "Shirleylock Holmes"; it's about 
>to go to a commercial, when the title sequence for that show is displayed.] 
>Announcer: [on TV] ..."Shirleylock Holmes, Girl Detective", right after 
>these messages.

JESSE: The first of which is for a feminine hygiene product.

>[Disturbed by the babies' noise, Angelica goes and ask them "kindly" to 
>make less noise...] Phil: What are you happy, Tommy?

JESSE: I don’t know.  What is he happy?

>Tommy: Well, I'm not. Angelica: Hey, babies. Knock it off! Cynthia and me 
>are trying to watch TV! [Dil steals Cynthia from Angelica.]

JESSE:[Dil] Not any more, you’re not!

>Angelica: Hey, hands off the merchandise, pinkie.

JESSE: Duh...!

>[Angelica and Dil tug at Cynthia, only for Angelica to lose her grip and 
>fall into the crate.]

JESSE:[Ray Stanz, “Ghostbusters”] It’s in there...

>Phil & Lil: Pretty good. [Angelica growls.]

JESSE: *Nice* kitty!

>Tommy: Be nice, Angelica. He didn't mean it.

JESSE:[sarcastically] Right.  Just like I don’t mean to say that she’s one 
of my least favorite characters in the whole franchise.

>[Angelica grabs Tommy by his collar.] Angelica: You wanna ride in a wagon? 
>I'll give you a ride... to outside space!

JESSE:[Ralph Kramden, “The Honeymooners”] To the moon, Alice!

>[Angelica tosses Tommy into the wagon. She then kicks the Reptar Wagon, 
>hurting her foot. She hears on the TV that the show is out of commercial.] 
>Angelica: Ow! My show! Next commercial, you babies are in big trouble!

JESSE:[To Angelica] Yeah, well, good luck, Ms. Busted-Toe!

>[Angelica slams door.] Lil: All aboard!

JESSE: It’ll be interesting to see how much she’s changed in, oh, say twenty 
years...

>Chuckie: [to himself] Just walk away, Chuckie. Walk away.

JESSE:[Chuckie] Group style doesn’t suit you and you know it.

>[to the Rugrats] Ooh! Wait for me! [Chuckie climbs into the moving Reptar 
>wagon, which has now left the house, down the street.]

JESSE: A few seconds later, it accelerates to Warp Factor One and kills them 
all.

>Phil: Which way to the hopsicle? Tommy: We're not going to the hopsicle! 
>Chuckie: Well, we're going somewheres! [Cut back to house; the goat is 
>eating the foam peanuts. A delivery boy for United Express arrives to pick 
>up the crate. Grandpa is still asleep.]

JESSE: Undoubtedly, he’s looking for any opportunity to berate rival 
shipping company Federal Parcel Service.

>Delivery boy: Uh, pardon me. Pickup for Pickles to Japan? Grandpa: [while 
>sleeping] Take it away, take it away. [The delivery boy seals up the crate 
>with the goat inside,

JESSE: Hey! You’re stealing Didi’s new husband!

>and carries it out on a hand truck. He gives Grandpa a receipt, laying it 
>on him while he sleeps.] Delivery boy: Yeah, have a good day. [Cut to 
>Angelica, watching TV, while Spike barks.]

JESSE:[singing: “Who Let the Dogs Out”, Baha Men(?)] Who let the dogs out? 
Who?  Who?  Who?

>Angelica: Pipe down, Spike! Me and Cynthia are watching... [She realises 
>that Cynthia is missing.] Angelica: Cynthia?!

JESSE: Another case of pop culture giving little children unreasonable body 
images to cling to.

>[Angelica proceeds to the living room.] Angelica: Nice try, babies. Now 
>give me back my... gasp! [Angelica sees that the Rugrats and the Reptar 
>Wagon are gone. She only sees Cynthia's shoe on the welcome mat.] Angelica: 
>[screams] Cynthia!

JESSE:[Angelica] Who stole the one object I’m going to spend the rest of my 
life trying to be like?!?!?

>[Pull away from front door and pan to the Rugrats driving the Reptar Mobile 
>on the street. It carreened away from a car, which causes it to crash. 
>Then, the wagon does down a few flights of stairs on a hill, before getting 
>back on the street, swerving away from another car, which also crashes.]

JESSE: Only after all of this does a semi-observant neighbor call the police 
to report the unsupervised todlers and their unsafe toy.

>[Cut back home, where Angelica enters the yard in her "Shirleylock Holmes" 
>costume and skates.]

JESSE:[Bester style] It’s all the little things that athority figures aren’t 
supposed to notice that make these things so much fun.

>Angelica: They took Cynthia. Spike! Come on! You're gonna be my butthound! 
>We gotta search every doghouse, playhouse, tree house, and doll house! I 
>want those foogitives back in custardy!

JESSE: Yes, let’s dispense with the formalities like telling an adult or two 
and go after them ourselvs, shall we?

>[Spike runs off, with Angelica in tow.] Angelica: Bad dog! Bad dog! Stop!

JESSE: She’s doing pretty good for someone that’s getting draged to death by 
a wild dog.

>[Back inside, Stu enters the living room, talking to Didi on a cordless 
>phone.] Stu: Di, just go to the spa and relax. Pop and I are doing fine 
>taking care of the, uh... [Stu sees that the crate is gone.]

JESSE:[Stu] Oh shit.

>Stu: Pop, w-where's the crate? Grandpa: Oh, I guess the delivery folks must 
>have come. Stu: Wow. They loaded her up and everything, huh?

JESSE: Well, that’s one interpretation, yes.

>Didi: [on the phone] Let me talk to Tommy. Stu: Sure, I'll let you talk to 
>Tommy. Pop... uh... uh, where are the kids? Grandpa: That's funny. They 
>were here a minute ago, playing in the... [Stu & Didi look outside the 
>front door; the camera pulls away from them.] Both: The crate! Stu: Honey, 
>I'm gonna have to call you back. [Stu looks at Grandpa in anger.]

JESSE:[Stu, upset] Dad, do you have any idea how screwed we are?

>[Cut back to the Rugrats and the wagon, as they tear through the streets. 
>During the course of their run, they ran over some garbage cans, knocked 
>over a trash collector, and caused a plated glass truck to crash.

JESSE: The image I’m getting here is that they’re covered in trash and and 
cut to shreds from the flying glass that came from the crashing glass truck.

>About this time, Dil barfs on Chuckie. They went through a truck filled 
>with wine glasses, which is broken on the road.

JESSE: One more truckload of glass products like that and not a one of ‘em 
will live long enough to see where they end up.

>Then, they enter a park, where they bumped into some kids on the slides, 
>and where it actually slid down some slides, before landing on a see-saw. 
>They left the park and got back on the road, only to go on an overpass 
>that's still under construction.

JESSE: The wagon flies off and they all die.  The parents get there asses 
sued so far into the red that they can’t even afford the free soup kitchen 
that the other homless people eat from.  Then the movie ends.

>When the wagon got to the end of the uncompleted bridge, a robotic arm 
>grabbed a post and turned itself around. And, while they avoided getting 
>hit by one truck, they ended up driving into a mattress factory, toppling 
>mounds of mattresses, then landing inside a "Nighty Night Mattress" truck, 
>which later takes off from the loading dock. While all this happens, Busta 
>Rhymes' "On Your Mark, Get Set, Ready, Go" plays in the background.]

JESSE: Somehow, that seems perfectly fitting, seeing as how I never liked a 
single Busta Rhymes video.

>[Cut to Stu & Grandpa on the road.] Stu: How could you fall asleep when you 
>were supposed to be watching the kids?

JESSE:[Grandpa] Like this... [imitates snoring]

>[Grandpa is sleeping.] [The mattress truck is in front of Stu & Grandpa. 
>The back door opens with the Rugrats in view, jumping on a mattress. 
>However, Stu isn't watching the road, as he was talking to Grandpa.] Stu: 
>We'll never find the babies with this jerk in front of us!

JESSE: J. Michael Shearer’s Driving Rule Numer One: If you’re behind the 
wheel, drive the damn car!  That means actually watching the road instead of 
playing with yourself like he’s obviously doing.

>[The truck's back door closes again. When Stu passed the truck, the truck 
>swerved and rolled off off the road, into a forest.

JESSE: Proving that the inability to handle anything capable of going faster 
than half a mile an hour is genetic in his family.  Of course, when you’re 
named after a meathod of preserving things, I can see why, I guess.

>The truck driver ditched the truck before going into the forest. The 
>oblivious Rugrats were still inside, having fun.] Phil: This is more fun 
>than picking noses! Lil: Or making bubbles in the bathtub!

JESSE: Eeewww!  Gross!

>Chuckie: I don't know if I should throw up or throw down!

JESSE: I’d throw in.  Throw in the towel, that is.

>[The truck driver looks down, then walks away.] [Fade into the "United 
>Express" plane; the crew has opened up every package and crate on board, 
>finding nothing unusual, except for a goat.] Pilot: I've turned this plane 
>upside down, and I assure you there are no children. Co-Pilot: No.

JESSE:[co-pilot, monotone] No.  There were no children onboad the airplane.

>Pilot: We found a kid, but he's not the one you're looking for.

JESSE:[Stu] If it’s a goat, it is.

>[Cut to Stu & Grandpa at the controllers' tower, listening.] [Stu & Grandpa 
>return home, resuming their search there.] Stu: [looking in closet] Tommy!

JESSE: I didn’t know Tommy was “that way”...

>Grandpa: [looking under the bed] Sprout?

JESSE: Which one’s “Sprout”?

>Stu: [looking down a stairwell] Dil!

JESSE:[store PA system] Paging Dil Doe!  Paging Mr. Dil Doe!

>Grandpa: [looking in a cookie jar] Angelica? Stu: [looking under the 
>kitchen sink] Where can they be? We gotta find them! Didi: [off-screen] 
>Find what?

JESSE:[Stu] My chest hairs.

>[Stu bangs his head under the sink.]

JESSE: It drives him mad. [Still not sure of what the title of that song is 
or who performed it. (See the MiSTing of “Road Rovers: Pasts and Presents” 
on this site for details)]

>Grandpa: Einstein here lost the kids. Stu: I lost the kids? Grandpa: See?

JESSE:[Stu] Well, “E” equals “mc” squared!

>[Didi gasps and drops her bag of groceries on the floor, with the bag 
>opening on impact and the goods falling on the floor.]

JESSE:[singing, song title and artist unknown] Break time, summer in the 
city...
[Exits theater through double doors]

[Takes place in arcade near theater.  Conversation with the guy in the red 
hat (“RSH” for “Red Straw Hat”).  We’re playing ski ball.]
RSH: So, you’re the guy that threw my sister and girlfriend off my track, 
huh? [tosses a ball up the ramp in front of him and lands it in the “50” 
hole, scoring 50 points.]
JESSE: Yeah.  You kinda looked like you needed a break. [tosses a ball up 
own ramp and hits the hole for 20 points.]
RSH: Thanks.  I needed it.  [tosses second ball, lands another fifty.]  I 
thought I’d scream if I saw another pair of those shoes.  Most of ‘em were 
actually kinda ugly. [tosses third, lands yet another fifty.  About ten 
prize tickets string out of the front of the machine.]
JESSE:[tosses second ball, gets a thirty]  I know the feeling.  I’m about 
the only person in my family who’s not a compulsive shopper. [throws again 
and lands a fifty] I just about can’t tell people when I’m going to mail a 
letter for fear that I’ll wind up with a trunk full of junk.
RSH: Me, too. [throws fourth shot and lands another fifty.] It’s amazing how 
much stuff they’ve got collected.
JESSE: It’s amazing how much stuff *I’ve* got collected.  [throws fourth 
shot and hits a thirty]  Say, how’d you convince those two to let you stay 
here, anyway?
RSH: I promised them I’d win them each a prize.  Unfortunately, I only had 
five dollars for games and I’d spent three of that before I realized I 
needed these tickets to do it.
JESSE: I still got a couple bucks to spend here, too.  We can pool what we 
win here, and I think I threw a Ziplock or two in my goodies cart, too. 
[turns around and looks at the stuffed animals above the prize counter, then 
points to the teddies for 200 tickets each] I think I got enough to help you 
get each of them one of those.
RSH:[looks to where I’m pointing] Oh, yeah!  That’ll really get me in good, 
espceially with my girlfriend.  She especially likes those things.
JESSE: Well, good.  Once we’re done here, I’d better get back to the theater 
for another half hour or fourty-five minutes.  I’m sure I’ve got at least 
that much movie left to go.  I’ll meet you back here then.
RSH: Sounds like a plan.  I owe you big time, man.
JESSE: Not a problem.
[We both return to the ski ball games]

{Notes}
	Ski Ball is one of my all-time favorite arcade games.  It’s alot like 
bowling, except it’s a sloped ramp with a ringed target with higher point 
totals towards the center, with fifty points being the highest, in the 
center and smallest ring.  Most of these that I’ve played dispense prize 
tickets at about 150 points or so.  These can be redeemed for toys and such 
at a prize counter.  Most of the prizes are low-end untill you get up into 
the 100-250 ticket range, then they start to get pretty good.  From there, 
the prizes start to be what I guess are called “plushies” nowadays.  I still 
think of them as stuffed animals, though.
	The arcade I had in mind for this particular host segment is called 
“Electric Rainbow”.  It still is in opperation in the same mall I set the 
theater in.  It’s actually kinda cool.  But anyway, I’d better stop now and 
get back to the picture.  I hope everyone’s enjoying themselves.

>[Fade back to forest. The Rugrats got out of the truck, unhurt, and started 
>roaming around.] Chuckie: Where are we?

JESSE: Uh, boy, looks alot like Sheridan Lake Park out in the Black Hills to 
me.

>Tommy: I don't know. It looks kinda like the park. Lil: Only biggerer. 
>Chuckie: Biggerer? This place is bigger than the park and the backyard all 
>put together. This is bad you guys. This is bad.

JESSE:[Egon Spangler, “Ghostbusters”.  Holds Twinkie up] Let’s pretend this 
Twinkie is the normal amount of PK energy in New York...

>[Dil begins to grunt and grimace. His face has turned a dark pink.] Lil: 
>Oh, oh, Tommy, I think your brother is broked again. Tommy: Oh, no. Dil, 
>are you OK? Phil: I think he's gonna explode.

JESSE: Good.  Mabey I’ll be hurled out of this theater.

>Dil: Poopie. Tommy: What?! Dil: [shouts] Poopie! [A plopping sound can be 
>heard.] All: Eww!

JESSE: Whole movie, right there.

>Tommy: Well, I guess we'll have to change his diapie. Phil: What do you 
>mean, we?

JESSE:[Tommy] The four of us.  Chuckie, get the baby powder...

>[Cut back to home, where police cars and news trucks arrive on the scene.] 
>Didi: I can't believe you left them with your father! The man slept through 
>Pearl Harbor, for heaven's sake!

JESSE:[Stu] *I* thought it was a good movie, though.

>Grandpa: I sounded the alarm as soon as I could!

JESSE: Yeah, in World War Two, it was a year after the peace treaties had 
been signed and with the kids, it wasn’t untill they were halfway to the 
airport.

>[Lieutenant Klavin, a police woman, is there, asking the Pickles various 
>"important" questions.]

JESSE:[Lt. Klavin] Uh, Red Herring, have you ever been to Norway?

>Lieutenant Klavin: Uh, Mrs. Pickles, did your son have any enemies? Didi: 
>Gasp...oh... Lieutenant Klavin: Uh-huh. Any underworld or mob connections? 
>Didi: He is a baby!

JESSE: Thank goodness the Klavin I knew in college was smarter than this.

>[Meanwhile, back at the forest, Tommy tries to change Dil's diaper. Tommy 
>is powdering Dil's bottom -- they all cough as the baby powder clouds up.] 
>Lil: The powder goes on his bottom, Tommy!

JESSE:[Lil] Stop dumping it on his head!

>Tommy: Well, I'm doing the best I can. [Dil hits Tommy with his feet.]

JESSE: Tommy gets slamed into a nearby tree.

>Dil: Pee-pee. [Dil pees.]

JESSE:[singing “We’re Off to See the Wizard”] Because because because 
because; Because he’s the wonderful whiz he is!

>Phil: Look out! Chuckie: Stop it, Dil! Phil: Get him off me!

JESSE:[Phil, screaming frantically] Get him off me!  Get him off me!  Oh, 
god, get him off me!

>[Chuckie falls, then a frog jumps on his head.]

JESSE: What, now it’s Frogger? [Classic gaming reference]

>Chuckie: Aah! Frog, frog! [Chuckie runs around before falling in a leaf 
>pile. The frog then escapes.] Chuckie: Your brother made a frog jump on me!

JESSE:[to Chuckie] Chuckie, you wuss.  Most boys your age actaully *like* 
frogs.

>Dil: Stop it! Chuckie: Stop it! Dil: Stop it! Chuckie: You stop it! Dil: 
>Stop it! Chuckie: Stop it! Tommy: Hey guys, maybe we should stop playing 
>around and figure out how to get home.

JESSE: Boy, there’s an idea worthy of a Nobel Prize.

>Lil: But, Tommy, we don't even know where we are. Tommy: I know! I've got 
>my sponsativity!

JESSE: Hopefully not to tree pollen or any form of spore.

>[Tommy shows his pocket watch.]

JESSE: Which should, by now, be smashed to bits.

>Lil: What's a sponsativity, Tommy? Phil: Sounds yucky. Tommy: No, it's what 
>you get for being a big brother. It's just like Okey-Dokey Jones uses when 
>he has to find his way home. Phil: I thought that's called a crumpass. 
>Tommy: Well, my dad gave it to me, and he called it a sponsativity. Phil: 
>Where's it say to go? Tommy: Well, um, uh, hmm. This way. Uh... That's the 
>way! Straight up that hill!

JESSE: Benny Hill?

>[In another part of the forest, Angelica is on a paved road, being towed on 
>her skates by Spike.] Angelica: Aah! Bad dog, bad dog! Stop! aah! [They 
>approach the scene of the mattress truck's crash, complete with tow truck 
>and flares. Spike finds a baby pacifier on the ground and stops, but 
>Angelica keeps going. Spike is tugged along on his leash and falls into a 
>ditch, with Angelica landing square on a trunk of the tree. We black out, 
>but Angelica comes to; the first thing she sees is Spike.] Angelica: You 
>know, not all dogs go to heaven.

JESSE: And she’s one of the ones that won’t.

>[We pan across the expanse of the forest, where we see the accident scene 
>overhead.]

JESSE: Although none of us knew it, because we were thirty feet beneath the 
surface...

>[Cut to Stu & Didi's street, which is jam-packed with police cars and news 
>trucks. The reporters and cameramen gang up at Stu and Didi, grilling them 
>with questions.]

JESSE: Was it over gas or charcoal?

>Channel 3 Male Reporter: Mr. Pickles, is it true you shipped your own 
>children to Tokyo in a wooden box?

JESSE:[Stu] Uh, actually, that was my old man that did it, and *I’m* the one 
that got shipped to Tokyo.  That was in 1972...

>Channel 11 Female Reporter: Is it true a dingo ate your baby?

JESSE:[Didi] Actually, Sonic Underground [rather MiSTable TV show] had 
absolutely nothing to do with it.

>Black Female Reporter: Mr. Pickles, how many pecks of pickled peppers did 
>you pick?

JESSE:[Stu] About the same amout as what a woodchuck would chuck if a 
woodchuck could chuck wood.

>[Rex Pester flies into the scene in his chopper. The other reporters get 
>out of his way. After he lands, rushes towards Stu and Didi, shoving the 
>other reporters en route. We see Rex Pester through his camera.]

JESSE: A real Dan Rather, this guy.

>Rex Pester: [to camera] Childhood, a time of innocence, a time of joy. A 
>time of unspeakable, unrelenting tragedy. [to Didi] Mrs. Pickles, tell us 
>how it feels to know you may never see your children again.

JESSE:[Didi] Sorry, what was that?  This horrible sucking noise started when 
you got out of the chopper.  Could you repeat the question?

>Betty: [angrily, in Rex's face] Criminy! Can't you pit bulls show some 
>compassion?

JESSE:[Rex Pester] Actually, no.  It’s the Age of Springer, thanks to folks 
like you...

>Rex Pester: [to Betty] I'm so sorry. Forgive me.

JESSE:[Rex Pester, to Betty] Now blow off!

>[back to Didi] Please tell us how it feels to know you may never see your 
>children again. [Betty attempts to fight with Rex. Grandpa & Stu hold her 
>back.] Betty: Augh! Get him! Let me at him! All right! Grr!

JESSE: Oh, don’t worry, miss.  In time, us *real* journalists will get the 
better of him.  Of course, it means you’ll have to give up Jerry Springer 
and his ilk, but it’s worth the price, I think.

>[Cut to the interior of Charlotte & Drew's car. Charlotte is on the phone 
>with Jonathan. The car stops

JESSE: ...after it smashes through a brick wall in an effort to kill 
Charlotte and Drew.

>at Stu & Didi's house where they see the commotion.] Charlotte: Hold on, 
>Jonathan. There's an alarming crowd at my in-law's indicating either a yard 
>sale or a family tragedy. Let me get back to you. [They get out of the car, 
>when Rex hounds them.]

JESSE: Because, tragically, pain and suffering is news.

>Rex Pester: [to Drew] Hey, Mr. Pickles, how does it feel knowing your 
>brother lost your only daughter? Drew: [angrily] He what?! Rex Pester: 
>Share your pain.

JESSE: You know something, mister?  Before I came across this, I didn’t know 
how evil people thought TV reporters were.  Now I do.  That’s my pain.  
Happy now?

>[Drew jumps on Stu and fights him.] Drew: Yaa! Stu: You're breaking my arm! 
>Drew: Only 'cause I can't reach your neck!

JESSE:[Don Imus, to Drew] You puss!  You’re practically on top of him and 
you can’t reach his neck?  What kind of man are you?

>[Rex goes back to camera. He displays the pictures of the Rugrats, one by 
>one, while he incorrectly says their names.]

JESSE: Which, technically, would be a near-fatal, if not absolutely lethal, 
mistake for his career.

>Rex Pester: And there you have it. Two sour Pickles and young Tammy, baby 
>Dale, the twins Bill and Jill, little Chunky, and poor Amelia, all vanished 
>without a trace. [caption: "Rex Pester, Big Action News"] I'm Rex Pester, 
>and I'll be back
with more "Biiiig Action Newwwws"!

JESSE: If this is “Big Action News,” why do I hear people chanting 
“Springer” in the background?

>[Chazz rushes in.] Chazz: Mr. Swenson said he saw Angelica and Spike run 
>thought his garden and head north on I-99!

JESSE: Wait a minuite!  That would put them somewhere along the Canadian 
border!  Too bad I can’t run on over to a nearby “Red Green” episode

>Charlotte: My baby! Didi: Let's go! [Everyone starts to leave.] [Grandpa 
>appears in military fatigues.] Grandpa: Private First Class Pickles 
>reporting for duty!

JESSE: Are you kosher?

>Chazz: Just get in. Come on. [The vehicles drive away towards the forest.] 
>[Cut back to forest.

JESSE: Now, I’m no tree hugger, but I have some reservations about that.

>The Rugrats are pulling the Reptar wagon, with Tommy pushing it and Dil 
>inside.] Tommy: [to Rugrats] Good job, you guys. We're almost there. [to 
>Dil] Good, Dil. Now, play nice. [Dil hits Tommy with his baby bottle.] 
>Phil: Not much fun back there, is it?

JESSE: No, it’s not!

>Tommy: Oh, we're doing OK. [to Dil] That's some good hittin' there, Dilly. 
>[Dil hits Tommy again.]

JESSE: Dil’s gonna be a hitman when he grows up.

>Chuckie: I'm hungry. Right about now my daddy would be making me a fried 
>baloney sandwich. I can almost smell that burning. Ooh, it tastes all 
>crunchy. Tommy: Stop it, Chuckie. You're making me hungry. [Dil hits Tommy 
>again.] [The Rugrats stop at the top of a hill.] Chuckie: Oh, no!

JESSE: Chuckie’s turned into Mr. Bill! [Saturday Night Live skits]

>Lil: We can't see our houses from here, Tommy. Phil: We can't see any 
>houses from here. [We look at the panoramic forest from the top of the 
>hill.] Chuckie: We're doomed! Doomed. Doomed, I tell you!

JESSE: Although, from my perspective, this isn’t a bad thing.

>[Pull away, until we see a wolf growling from a distance.] [Cut to Stu and 
>Didi, at the scene of the mattress truck accident. They are with Lt. 
>Klavin.] Lieutenant Klavin: Mrs. Pickles, I know this is hard for you, but 
>can you identify this binky?

JESSE: Yeah, I can!  That’s the Binky that used to be a clown on “Garfield 
and Friends”. [a cartoon show from the early to mid 1990s]

>[Lt. Klavin holds the pacifier. Stu & Didi react in shock.]

JESSE: Dun-dun-dahhhhhh....

>[Cut back to the Rugrats. Chuckie is crying.] Phil: This is all Dil's 
>fault, right, Chuckie? Chuckie: Uh...

JESSE:[Chuckie] No.

>Tommy: Uh, uh! This never would have happened if you hadn't putted him in 
>the wagon in the first place, right, Chuckie? Chuckie: Uh... no! Uh - uh...

JESSE:[to Chuckie] Now’s the time to stay quiet, kid.  It’ll make things 
easier in court.

>Lil: It's not our fault you got a bad, naughty, stinky baby for a brother! 
>Tommy: He's not naughty. He's just a... he's just a... a baby! Tommy: How 
>could you be mad just because you're,...

JESSE: I hear a song coming on.

>[Dil grabs one of the yellow tapes on Tommy's diaper and tears it off; this 
>causes Tommy's diaper to drop off of him.] Tommy: ...um... standing there 
>all nakie? I mean, I'm sure he's trying to help. And side's, it's hot, 
>phew! 'ploring in the woods all day. Ah! A little breeze feels good. Just 
>what I needed. Oh, thank you, Dil.

JESSE: Right.

>[Dil hiccups.] Phil: Those hiccups are really starting to bug me. Lil: Face 
>it, Tommy. Having a baby brother just isn't what you expected.

JESSE: It never is.  Trust me on that.

>[The Rugrats then see a small house at the bottom of a hill.] Chuckie: Hey, 
>you guys, look. Somebody's house. Tommy was right. Tommy: Wow. My 
>sponsativity does work. Phil: Yeah, but who'd have a house way out there in 
>the forest? Tommy: Maybe a lizard lives there. Chuckie: A lizard?

JESSE: Yeah, the SoBe Beverages lizard.  Good stuff!

>Tommy: You know, a big guy with a pointy hat that grants wishes. All's we 
>got to do is knock on the door and say we wanna go home. See? Then 
>everything will be back to Norman. Phil: Thank Bob! Lil: Thank you, Bob. 
>Tommy: Come on, guys! We're off to see the lizard.

JESSE:[singing, you can guess the tune] We’re off to see the Lizard, the 
Wonderful Lizard of Oz...

>[Tommy trips on something.] Chuckie: Oh, Tommy, are you OK? Tommy: I'm 
>fine. I just tripped in a little hole, that's all. [They see a large animal 
>footprint on the ground.] Chuckie: Gosh, it looks kinda like Spike's feet, 
>only if he was a giant. Phil: I saw feetprints like that in our storybook. 
>A wolf made them, and then he ate that little red riding girl.

JESSE: Oh, good.  A cinematic adaption of “Little Red Riding Hood”.  Makes 
my day.

>Chuckie: The wolf ate a girl? Phil: They got her out.

JESSE: “They?”  Who is “they”?

>Tommy: I don't think it's a wolf, Chuckie. If it was, we'd hear him say... 
>[An unseen wolf howls in the distance.] Phil: That was pretty good. Tommy: 
>I didn't do anything. [The wolf howls again. The Rugrats scream. They all 
>get into the Reptar Wagon and take off .]

JESSE: Sounds like it’s an escaped vehicle from the old “Inspector Gadget” 
cartoons.

>Tommy: Do you see the wolf? Chuckie: I don't know what he looks like. Phil: 
>Teeth! Teeth and fur! And teeth! [Dil pulls a lever to make the Reptar 
>Wagon move.] Tommy: No, Dil! Bad Dil! No! [We cut to a Disney-esque forest 
>scene, similar to "Bambi", where we see a couple of deer eating off the 
>ground, a pair of chipmunks and pink rabbits kissing each other, a couple 
>of blue birds on a branch singing and a raccoon scampering about; a 
>squirrel and skunk look on.

JESSE: Then some drunk, smelly, unshaven excuse for a hunter comes in and 
starts blasting away.

>This serene scene is disturbed when the Rugrats and the Reptar Wagon 
>crashes on through.] Reptar Wagon: I am Reptar! [roars]

JESSE: I... AM... SATAN! [evil laugh]

>[We then cut to a forest road, where forest rangers Frank and Margaret are 
>driving around in a Jeep. The radio is playing.] Frank: Margaret? That's 
>your name, isn't it?

JESSE:[Frank] I’ve had so many one-night-stands that I can’t remember the 
names any more.

>I'm sure you've run afoul of many a scary pedestrian. But out here, we have 
>what you might call... [turns off radio] hmm, how should I put it?

JESSE:[Frank] Making out, perhaps?

>Actual danger. Margaret: Danger? Frank: Grizzlies that'll rip the top off 
>your car. Bobcats, wolves, wolverines, which are something entirely 
>different.

JESSE:[Frank] And then, of course, we have the Redneck Hunter.  But that’s 
for another day...

>[The Reptar Wagon crosses the road in backof them. Margaret turned around 
>and caught a glimpse of the Reptar Wagon.] Margaret: And dragons. Hah! [Cut 
>to Reptar wagon.] Chuckie: Tommy, I saw some grownups. Stop! Stop!

JESSE:[Captain Picard] Helm!  All stop!

>[Tommy pushes several buttons in vain.] Tommy: I don't know how. [The 
>Reptar Wagon is barrelling toward a cliff at top speed.] Lil: Well, I hope 
>you figure it out, 'cause I didn't bring no bathing suit!

JESSE: Which is OK, because that’s all rock down there.

>[They all scream. Then, the wagon comes to a complete stop at the edge of 
>the cliff. They teetered, but managed not to fall off.] Phil: Any further, 
>and I would have needed a fresh diapie.

JESSE: And your parents would have needed a spatchula to scrape you off the 
forrest floor.

>[Dil plays with the brake. The Rugrats scream.] Tommy: Dil, no! [The brake 
>is disengaged and the wagon roll off the cliff into the river. When the 
>Reptar Wagon hits the water, special floaters inflate, keeping the wagon 
>afloat. The tip of its tail doubles as a propeller.] Reptar Wagon: Aqua 
>Reptar, engaged.

JESSE: What the...?  Stu didn’t work for the Royal Secret Service in one of 
the James Bond movies, did he?

>[Fadeto ranger station.] Margaret: I'm telling you, I saw a dragon. Frank: 
>Margaret.

JESSE:[Frank] You’re crazy.  Besides, we should be getting back to our own 
show now.

>Margaret: A big green, fire-breathing dragon. I've got to call 
>headquarters. Frank: While you're at it, you might ask for a new 
>assignment, say, a city park. 'Cause, you see, out here in the country, you 
>have to be just a little tougher. [Frank sees the Reptar Wagon in his 
>telescope. The wagon floats with the current in the river.] Frank: Aah! 
>Aah! The dragon! I just saw it! I saw it!

JESSE:[Red Green] Right, Gord.  You saw a dragon.

>Margaret: Where? Where? Here? Where? [We rejoin the search party. Grandpa 
>finds a clue on the ground.] Grandpa: Bingo! Look at here! A wrapper from a 
>Cynthia Sweet bar. Drew: My Angel! She's been here. Grandpa: Yep, I figure 
>she's tracking the sprouts. It's the Pickles' blood. I myself spent 15 days 
>tracking Sitting Bull through the Northwest Territory. The year was 19--

JESSE: Oh, of course.  Then, he went on to defeat the Axis Powers in World 
War Two.

>[Chazz & Howard return with news of another clue. Chazz interrupts 
>Grandpa's story.]

JESSE: Hopefully to tell us who he is.  I just realized that I’ve gone 
through most of this movie without really knowing who these people are.

>Chazz: Over here! We found some wheel tracks and baby footprints heading 
>into the woods. Actually, Howard found them. I saw them.

JESSE: OK, and who or what is Howard?

>Stu: They must be in my Reptar Wagon. Drew: [sarcastic] It's the perfect 
>children's toy. [angrily] You and your stupid inventions! Stu: [thinking] 
>My stupid inventions? [gets an idea] That's it! [Betty grabs a bullhorn 
>from a policeman and speaks into it.] Betty: All right, the pups are in the 
>woods. You men follow those tracks. We'll head to the ranger's station and 
>start the search from there. Now, move! Hut, hut, hut! [Stu, Drew and 
>Grandpa get into the car.]

JESSE:[singing: “Get in the Car,” Moxy Fruvis] I’m all right!  Look what I’m 
driving.  Look at the curves and my overhand serves.  It’s more than 
surviving.  Get in the car...

>Didi: Stu, where are you going?

JESSE:[Stu] Hell.

>Stu: Trust me, Deed. I have a plan.

JESSE:[Stu] Bwah ha ha ha....

>[Cut to river, where the Rugrats are floating along in the Reptar Wagon. 
>They play "Pirates".] Tommy: Slob the poop deck, Mr. Phil. Hoist the ankle, 
>number one.

JESSE:[Captain Picard] Stop drooling on that counsole, Mr. Worf.

>[The Rugrats sing.] Tommy: A pirate's life is a life for me!

JESSE:[singing, kidnapper from Pinochio] Hi diddley dee, the actor’s life 
for me!

>Lil: Yo ho ho and a bottle of yum! Chuckie: I get seasick on the sea!

JESSE: Oh, and I suppose you get riversick since you’re on a river?

>Phil & Lil: Yo ho ho and a bottle of yum! Phil: Hoist the Reptar flag real 
>high! Tommy: My sword is pointed to the sky!

JESSE: He’s a bit young for that, isn’t he?

>Lil: You need a patch across your eye! [giggles]

JESSE: D’oh!

>Lil: From Zanzibar... Phil: to candy bar! Phil & Lil:Yo ho ho and a bottle 
>of yum! Tommy: We search for treasures near and far!

JESSE:[singing] And then we go to the nudie bar!

>Phil & Lil: Yo ho ho and a bottle of yum! Lil: Beware your ship should 
>cross our path. Phil: We'll shoot a cannon through your mast!

JESSE:[singing] I wish this song were a thing of the past!

>Chuckie: Remove your gold baboons by half.

JESSE:[dumb sound, “I Am Weasel” cartoon reference] I Are Baboon!  Dah-hah!

>Dil: Yo oh oh oh! Tommy: A pirate's life is the life for me! Phil & Lil: Yo 
>ho ho and a bottle of yum! Chuckie: [ill] Adventure on the open sea. Phil & 
>Lil: Yo ho ho and a bottle of yum! [Song ends when the wagon hits a bump in 
>the river; this jolted Dil and Chuckie

JESSE: A bump in the river, huh?  I just hope their parents don’t have to go 
through the rapids in the road.

>overboard. Tommy was able to save Dil, but Chuckie was left in the drink.]

JESSE: What kind of drink was he left in?

>All: Oh! Tommy: Dil! Chuckie: Help me, Tommy!

JESSE:[singing to tune of “Help Me Rhonda”] Help me, Tommy; help, help me, 
Tommy...

>[Chuckie notices that the water is shallow, and is able to stand up, with 
>the water going up to his pants. After standing up, he feels a wiggling 
>sensation in his pants. He took out what was causing it.] Chuckie: Fish!

JESSE: It would be just fitting if it were a catfish in his pants, since he 
tends to be such a pussy.  [“Pussy” is a slang term for “cat” as well as a 
part of the female anatomy.]

>Phil: Man overboard!

JESSE:[singing to tune of “Man on the Run”] Man overboard; man overboard... 
[stops] Well, not in Chuckie’s case.

>Lil: Hang on, Chuckie!

JESSE:[singing to  tune of “Hang on, Snoopy(?)] Hang on, Chuckie; Chuckie 
hang on!

>[Lil throws a life ring to Chuckie, which he was able to catch. The wagon 
>tows him as if he was waterskiing.]

JESSE: Doesn’t it take more than an inch of water to go waterskiing?

>Chuckie: Aah! Phil: Look at him go!

JESSE: But I’m still sitting down!

>[Lil giggles and Chuckie screams. The twins got Chuckie back on board.]

JESSE: Chuckie was their new starting pitcher.  [Refers to Minnesota Twins 
baseball team]

>Chuckie: Tommy, why didn't you help me?

JESSE:[Tommy] I wanted to hear you scream some more.

>Tommy: I'm sorry, Chuckie, but Dil, he needed me, and he's just a... Phil & 
>Lil: Just a baby! Lil: Uh oh! [The Reptar Wagon move closer to the brink of 
>a waterfall.]

JESSE: Good for us, bad for them.

>Tommy: Hard to port side. Turn! Turn around! Help me, you guys! Help!

JESSE: Port?  You guys have Port on that thing?  Can I have some?  I could 
really use a drink right about now.

>[The Rugrats steer the wagon away from the waterfall.] Tommy: Dil, no!

JESSE:[Tommy] You’ll knock over the liquor cabnet!

>[Dil places a lever to make the wagon go backward, towards the brink. Tommy 
>switches another lever to steer the wagon away from the waterfall and onto 
>the bank. The landing was hard, throwing the Rugrats onshore. Tommy's watch 
>also flew out of Tommy's diaper, but he caught it before it went in the 
>water]

JESSE: Well, if it’s Tommy’s watch, I’d be awfull curious if it had flown 
out of *Lil’s* diaper.

>[Cut back to home, where the guys are in the garage.] Stu: I knew my Dactar 
>would come in handy. [Stu tries to lower Dactar down with a rope, but 
>Dactar, and parts of the ceiling, collapse on Stu and Grandpa.] Stu: Pop, 
>are you OK? [Grandpa is sleeping] Oh, pop.

JESSE: ...goes the weasel. [pulls several sandwitch bags of arcade prize 
tickets from cart.] I’d better get these to the guy in the red straw hat.
[exits theater and goes to arcade]

[The guy in the red straw hat and I are at the prize counter in the arcade 
with a big mass of tickets on the counter in front of us.  The discussion is 
of what to get the guy’s sister and girlfriend.]
JESSE: Turns out I had more of these things than I thought.
RSH: Yeah.  How many do you suppose are here?
JESSE: Roughly 2000, I’d say.  By the way, I don’t think I cought your name.
RSH: My name’s Luke.  And you are?
JESSE: Jesse.  I’m doing a project in the theater down the mall a bit.
LUKE: Ah.  I see you were talking to the mall rent-a-cop when I was 
escaping.  What’s he like?
JESSE: Pretty cool, actually.  He’s Barney Fife, from “The Andy Griffith 
Show.”
LUKE: You mean he’s *like* Barney Fife, right?
JESSE: No, I mean he *is* Barney Fife.
LUKE: Really? No wonder he looked so familiar.
[The counter guy approaches.]
COUNTER GUY: What can I help you guys with?
JESSE: Well, my buddy here needs to get a couple prizes for his sister and 
girlfriend.  We have about 2000 tickets here.  What you got in the 750-1000 
range?
COUNTER GUY: Well, we keep those in the back room for security reasons.  Let 
me go get the sheets for you.  I’ll be right back. [steps into back room]
LUKE: These’ll probably be more than adequate.
JESSE: Undoubtedly.  But we’d better get some distance between us before the 
ladies get back.  It wouldn’t be good if they knew you had help.
LUKE: Yeah.
[Counter guy comes back]
COUNTER GUY: These are our bigger prizes.  Let me know when you find what 
you’re looking for. [steps away again]
LUKE: Sure thing. [flips through binder] They got a lotta cool stuff here.  
You sure you don’t wanna get one of these remote controll cars for yourself 
instead?
JESSE: Nah.  I been gonna remember to use these things for about ten years, 
but haven’t.  Besides, I’m such a packrat, I’d probably just throw it in the 
closet with about a million other things I never use.
LUKE: This panda looks like it would be perfect for my girlfriend, Sara.
JESSE: Which one was she?
LUKE: The taller blonde.  Oh, and this lion on the next page would go good 
in my sister’s collection.
JESSE: She’s the dark haired one about my size, right?
LUKE: Yeah.  Good guess.  How’d you know?
JESSE: Officer Fife and I sopke with them before I went to get you out of 
the restroom.
LUKE: Ah.  That’s how she knew about you.  The three of us might drop by 
later. [to counter guy] I think I’ve decided.
COUNTER GUY: What’ll it be?
LUKE:[points to the pictures of the panda and the lion] This one and this 
one.
COUNTER GUY: At 750 tickets apeice, that’ll be 1500, please.
[All three of us begin counting.  There is still a good sized pile of 
tickets left when we finish.  Counter guy carries off the tickets and goes 
for the prizes.]
JESSE:[glancing out big window that makes up entire front wall of arcade] 
Oops.  Here they come.  I’d best get out of the way.  You’d better keep all 
those tickets.  You may need them later.
LUKE: Thanks, man! [hides remaining tickets in hat]
JESSE: No problem!  I’d best get back to the theater!  See you later, I 
guess.
LUKE: See you there!
[I pass Luke’s sister and girlfriend on the way out.]

{NOTES}
Another interesting thing about these host segments, especially this one, is 
that as I’m writing this MiSTing, I’m also revewing one of Shay Caron’s new 
Sonic MiSTings, in which the first host segment involves Mike and the Bots 
trying to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. 
  Not that the two are at all related, or anything.  I just find it 
interesting that Mr. Caron would have started off with Tootsie Pops for a 
MiSTing that’s coming out the same time I’m doing one about having fun in an 
old arcade.  Does that make any sense?  No?  Good!  Enjoy!
[a POV hall segment procedes through the mall and theater lobby to where the 
double doors open and show me sitting down at breaking point in film.]

>[Cut back to the forest.]

JESSE: Hundreds of little animals loose their jobs.

>Chuckie: Do you think we'll still be able to find the lizard's house, 
>Tommy? Tommy: Sure, Chuckie. Long as I got my sponsatility, we'll never be 
>losted.

JESSE: Unlike most of the over-twenty audience.

>Phil: Which way are we apposed to go? [Tommy uses his watch to find his 
>way.] Tommy: Um... uh... um... that way. [The Rugrats follow a trail. Time 
>passes.]

JESSE:[random announcer voice] TIME... MARCHES... ON!

>Chuckie: Hey, lookie, footprints. Maybe there's other babies around here. 
>Lil: Those are our feetprints, Chuckie. Phil: You're leading us around and 
>around, Tommy. Tommy: B-but it was working before.

JESSE: Well, we’ve just found the excuse he’ll use when his car breaks down 
on dates later in life.

>Lil: I don't think it ever worked. I think your sponsatility's broke, just 
>like your brother.

JESSE:[Lil] And your dad.

>Tommy: My brother is not broke!

JESSE:[Phil] Then why couldn’t he pay for lunch the other day?

>Lil: He pulled the lever! Phil: He tried to send us into the big Jacuzzi. 
>Lil: We could have been drownded.

JESSE: I just hope my new friend Luke doesn’t get drownded in the big 
jacuzzi tonight.  He’s actually kinda cool. [refers to previous host 
segment.]

>Chuckie: Hey, you guys! Clow--- clow... Lil: What is it, Chuckie?

JESSE Sounds like he’s reading one of the misprints in the Final Fantasy 2 
instruction manual. [The copy of the instruction manual for the US version 
of Final Fantsy 2 that came with the version I own has the word “clow” where 
it means “claw” in the weapon section]

>Chuckie: Clown! [Chuckie points to a rail car with a clown's face painted 
>on it.]

JESSE: Something evil this way comes... [Shakespear reference.  I’m not sure 
which play.  MacBeth, I think.]

>Phil: What's a train doing in the middles of the forest? Lil: Maybe some 
>giant baby losted his choo-choo.

JESSE: Either that, or you’re all in the Forrest of the Departed, and that’s 
*their* train.

>[The door of the rail car slowly opens. A figure, which looks like some 
>sort of mysterious person opens. In reality, it was actually three monkeys 
>hiding underneath the clothes. From here on, a sense of mayhem prevails 
>while Devo's "Witch Doctor" plays over.] [Song:] Eee! Eek! Ooh ahh ahh! 
>Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang

JESSE:[sings another line of same song] The witch doctor told me... [stops] 
Damn.  I know this song.  Why can’t I remember the words?

>[Four more monkeys emerge from the top of the car; one of these was wearing 
>a yellow hat, while the other was wearing a pink dress and carrying a 
>parasol.]

JESSE: It’s the cast of “Curious George Goes to Paris”!  [Isn’t there a 
Curious George book like that?]

>Ooh Eee Ooh ahh ahh Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang [The top monkey, the 
>one with the starry hat, razzes.]

JESSE: I’ll have to mention this scene to alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog sometime. 
[alt.fan.sonic-hedgehog is a “Sonic the Hedgehog” newsgroup frequented by 
someone who goes by the name “Raz”]

>[The Rugrats try to run away, but found themselves surrounded by a circle 
>of monkeys.]

JESSE: Wouldn’t “Ring of Fire” be a better song right about now?

>You want to learn something that I can teach to you You want to know a 
>secret that I swear is true

JESSE: Dah!  Kids’ movie! [reaches for bucket, convieniently left in seat to 
right]

>[A monkey holds onto Chuckie while another monkey, in a tree, pulls by its 
>tail.] Monkey's we have more fun than humans ever do [A monkey crashes 
>through a picture of a palm tree. He, then, crashes through a picture, 
>banging on a drum. A compartment opens, with another monkey, with another 
>drum. In THAT drum, yet another money with yet another drum exits, though 
>this time, it's an upright snare drum. A fourth monkey burst through the 
>top of that drum and "drums" on the 3rd monkey's head.]

JESSE: Now there’s an image that could be taken completely wrong. [barfs 
into bucket]

>Ooh, eee, ooh ahh ahh Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang [A monkey takes 
>Tommy away in a trike. 2 more monkeys, one of them with a bow on her head, 
>walk on their hands while Phil & Lil ride on their feet. They crash down.] 
>Ooh, eee, ooh ahh ahh Ting, tang walla walla bing bang

JESSE: Please!  Stop talking about banging!  I beg you! [“banging” as a 
sexual reference.]

>[Chuckie and another monkey are up in a tree. The monkey steals his 
>glasses, causing Chuckie to fall down. The monkey with a wizard's cap pulls 
>put a pillow to catch Chuckie, but them pulls away. As Chuckie is about to 
>crash, another monkey in a tree pulls Chuckie back up with its tail, tosses 
>Chuckie up in the air, and lands in the arms of another monkey, which gave 
>back Chuckie's glasses.]

JESSE:[taunting Chuckie durring scene] Chuckie and Monkey sittin’ in a tree, 
K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

>We learn to climb and swing before we learn to run We like to party, and 
>there's room for everyone

JESSE:[to tune of “We Like to Party” by Vengaboys] Wah-- wah---!  We like--- 
We like to party!  Wah--- wah---

>Come by and see us if you really wanna have some fun [2 monkeys fight in 
>front of the Reptar Wagon; they run away after Dil bonks them in the head 
>with his bottle.]

JESSE: Aw, geez, Dil’s only two months old, and he’s already spanking a 
monkey!

>Ooh, eee, ooh ahh ahh Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang [The parasol monkey 
>"parachutes" off the top of the car, with another monkey holding on. Phil & 
>Lil follow with a skeleton of a parasol, but crashes.]

JESSE: D’oh!  See what happens when you follow a monkey that’s grabbing a 
monkey?

>Ooh, eee, ooh ahh ahh Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang [A monkey peels 
>bark from a branch and eats the bugs inside. 4 other monkeys eat the bugs 
>off the back.Lil takes a bug off the 4th monkey's back, but Phil swipes it 
>from her, then eats it.]

JESSE:[singing] Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I’ll go eat 
bugs...

>You'll never see us tired 'cause we're way too smart for workin' A monkey 
>knows a lot more than a man

JESSE: If that were true, then why am I still flipping burgers at 24 years 
old? [pause] Oh, right.  I’m a man, not a monkey.

>[3 monkeys hold onto Chuckie as he dives down; his glasses land onto Dil's 
>head, then promptly stolen by the parasol monkey, along with Dil's bottle, 
>which was given to the monkey's "baby".] We love swinging in the trees and 
>eating our bananas

JESSE:[barfs into bucket again at the “eating bananas” suggestion.]

>Don't you know we never need a plan Dil: Mine! Mine! [Instrumental portion 
>of song plays under while the Rugrats continue prancing with the monkeys.] 
>Dil: Aaahh!

JESSE:[to Dil] Trust me, kid, I know how you feel!

>Tommy: What? What do you want?

JESSE: This movie’s writers and producers to be less horny!

>Dil: Hungry, hungry. [Tommy goes to tend to Dil as the song continues; 
>Chuckie falls on the ground and lands on a monkey's back. The monkey rides 
>Chuckie off somewhere.]

JESSE: First we get a glimpse of what monkeys say when they get addictions 
and then we find that Chuckie *is* addicted to something.

>[Song:] Ooh, eee, ooh ahh ahh Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang Ooh, eee, 
>ooh ahh ahh... [fades] Tommy: Oh, but I really wanna go play with the 
>monkeys.

JESSE: That is just sick and wrong.  He’s got his *own* monkey to deal with, 
and he wants to go and fiddle with others as well...

>[Tommy opens a jar of banana baby food and gives it to Dil, which feeds 
>himself.

JESSE: Wait a minute!  Dil’s a robot now?

>While doing this, the monkeys caught a whiff of the banana aroma and steal 
>the diaper bag.]

JESSE: Then they caught a whiff of the diaper bag aroma and gave it back.

>Dil: Hungry, hungry.

JESSE:[Little Caeser Pizza mascot] Pizza pizza!

>[Dil eats the banana baby food and makes a mess of himself. Tommy tosses 
>the jar away and was about to get another one when the monkeys came and 
>steal the diaper bag.] Tommy: Watch my brother. I gotta get the diapie bag. 
>[The monkeys start to lick Dil, which is now covered with creamed bananas.] 
>Chuckie: Hey, leave him alone. He's not a nanner. [Chuckie tries to pull 
>Dil away from the monkeys.

JESSE: Right.  In hopes that there will be some dough involved. [Dough 
refering to money and some of the other jokes I’ve already made]

>Chuckie: Oh, no! Hey, guys, help! There's a monkey who's trying to take 
>Tommy's brother! [pause] Phil: So?

JESSE: Well, if they do that, it’ll be impossible to resolve the movie’s 
main plot!

>Chuckie: Oh, just help me, OK? [to the monkeys] Let go of my hair! Hey!

JESSE:[Chuckie] Don’t make me spank you!

>[Dil flew into Phil & Lil's arms, but a monkey tries to steal him. 
>Meanwhile, another monkey tries to steal Chuckie's glasses.] Chuckie: Let 
>go! Phil & Lil: OK! [Phil & Lil let Dil go; the monkey takes him away. The 
>other monkeys follow. The monkey that stolen Chuckie's glasses 
>strategically leaves them on the ground.] Chuckie: Oh, this is just great. 
>I tell you, it can't get any worser than... [Chuckie steps on his glasses.] 
>Chuckie: ...this.

JESSE:[Worms 2 voice] Stupid!

>Phil: At least the monkeys are gone. Lil: Yeah. And they took baby Dil with 
>them.

JESSE: I just hope they don’t want lots of dough to return Dil...

>[The monkeys climb a tree with Dil.] [In another part of the forest:] 
>Angelica: Hey, Spike! Where are you going, you dumb dog? [Angelica trips on 
>a stone.]

JESSE: I guess that’s one way of getting stoned.

>Angelica: Hey! My rolly blade is cracked. Oh, Cynthia. Are they taking care 
>of you? Will they know to comb your hair, or change you into your sports 
>jumper with matching neckerchief at lunch time?

JESSE: Will they even be concerned with these things?

>[Spike appears in front of her. Also, the wolf is in back of her as well. 
>Angelica takes off one of her skates and tosses towards the back, 
>unknowingly striking the wolf's head.] Angelica: Pee-yew, Spike! Dog 
>breath! Spike? [After seeing the wolf, Spike runs away very quickly, with 
>Angelica following him on his leash, screaming. Angelica never saw the 
>wolf, who looks at her and growls.] [Back home, Stu is preparing for 
>takeoff with Dactar.]

JESSE: That really makes me wish I’d watched more Daktari when I was a kid.

>Stu: Don't worry. This time she'll fly. I'm facing into the wind. [The 
>handlebars come loose. dactar is attached by rope to Stu's car, driven by 
>Grandpa.]

JESSE: Stu must be trying to atone for the loss of his children with ritual 
suicide.

>Grandpa: He's ready?

JESSE: To die, mabey.

>Chazz: No. Grandpa: Go? Chazz: No! Grandpa: All right, then! [Grandpa 
>drives off; Stu screams as Dactar flies haphazardly.]

JESSE: And then goes down in flames.

>[Back in the forest, the Rugrats, minus Tommy, discover that Dil was 
>replaced with a monkey.] Chuckie: Oh, This is bad! Bad! Phil: Shh! Here 
>comes Tommy. Lil: Put the blankie on him. Tommy: Ok, guys! I got it.

JESSE:[Chuckie] You’re gonna be tempted to give it to us in a minute.

>Chuckie: Um, I think it's gonna rain, Tommy. Phil: Oh yeah, we better go. 
>Tommy: I gotta finish feeding my brother. Lil: I don't think he's hungry. 
>Chuckie: Yeah. Besides, he's, um... [Tommy lifts the blanket.] Tommy: A 
>monkey? Phil: Wow! Look at that! Tommy: My brother turned into a monkey? 
>[Lightning strikes from a distance.]

JESSE:[Tommy, serious] Which one of you idiots is responsible for this?

>Chuckie: Come on, Tommy. We gotta get outta here. Tommy: I can't go home 
>with my brother being a monkey! Chuckie: Oh, but, Tommy, we gotta get to 
>the lizard's house. Tommy: That's it! I'll get the lizard to wish him back 
>into a people! Phil: The lizard's only going to give us one wish.

JESSE: Well, then, you’ll have to wish for two more wishes.

>Chuckie: Yeah, and if you use it up on Dil, how are we gonna get home? 
>Tommy: He's my brother, Chuckie! I have to wish him back! Lil: You can't do 
>that! Tommy: Yes, I can! What would you do if Phil turned into a monkey? 
>Lil: That's different. I like Phillip! Besides, you'd be wasting your wish 
>anyway, 'cause that's not even your brother. [Tommy & Chuckie gasp.] Lil:  
>Wait a minute. Chuckie: What Lillian means is... um... the monkeys kind of 
>took baby Dil, and we just-- we thought you wouldn't mind a baby monkey 
>instead.

JESSE:[Spock, Star Trek 2] Besides, Tommy, the good of the many outweighs 
the good of the few or the one.

>Tommy: What? Lil: Lookit, Tommy, nobody likes him! Phil: We're gonna find 
>that lizard, Tommy. You can find your brother by yourself! Tommy: Will you 
>help me, Chuckie? Chuckie: Sorry, Tommy. Tommy: But-- but you're my bestest 
>friend.

JESSE: A guy named Wendell was my best friend untill he moved.  I sorta lost 
contact with him after that.

>Chuckie: Yeah? Well, if-- if I'm your bestest friend, then how come when I 
>got throwed up on, you didn't help me? Huh, huh? And when I falled 
>overboard, you didn't help me. And then when the monkey grabbed me, you 
>didn't even care about my boo-boo.

JESSE:[Tommy] And what’s worse is that my grandma thinks your name is 
Clyde...  Oops.  Wasn’t supposed to say that... [When I was that age, *my* 
grandma thought my best friend Wendell’s name was Clyde for some reason]

>Lil: Face it, Tommy. You don't got a bestest friend no more. All you gots 
>is a brother. Tommy: Oh, um... fine. I'll go find him by myself. [Tommy 
>goes off to find Dil, leaving the other Rugrats behind. It starts to rain. 
>The "baby" monkey escapes.]

JESSE: Well, I guess we know who’s got all the balls in *that* bunch.

>[In another part of the forest, Spike is afraid to go any further.] 
>Angelica: You dumb butthound! Fine! I hope you turn into a frog. [Makes a 
>face] Nyah! I'll find Cynthia myself!

JESSE:[to Angelica] You do that.

>[Angelica sings her version of "One Way Or Another", in music video 
>fashion:]

JESSE: Oh, no!  Not that!  Please, not that!

>[During the song, Angelica crosses a creek, rides a log in a river, cimbs a 
>mountain, then a tree, then goes through some sort of canyon with Tommy & 
>Dil's heads chiseled on, before climbing another mountain with Cynthia on 
>top, though Cynthia magically became Spike.]

JESSE: She makes good time, at least.

One way or another
I'm gonna find you
I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, get you

JESSE:[Angelica] Then I’m gonna eat you, eat you, eat you...

>One way or another I'm gonna win you I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, 
>get you Cynthia, oh, Cynthia

JESSE:[Angelica] My one and only love-toy Cynthia

>I need to see you I need to see you, see you, see you From that kid or his 
>brother

JESSE: HEY!  I would *not* be caught dead with that ugly-ass doll of yours 
and neither would my brother!

>I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you, I'll get you I'll find the full diaper 
>bag

JESSE:[Angelica] And I’ll bury it in the soil because it stinks.

>And if you're ripped or you're hurt I'll push them in dirt Yeah! [Angelica 
>stamps her foot into the handle portion of Spike's leash, which causes 
>Spike to run. Music continues under while Angelica yells at Spike.] 
>Angelica: Aah! Ooh! Oh! Stop! I said stop! Cynthia!

JESSE: I thought the dog’s name was Spike.  I’m always being reminded of it.

>[Back in another part of the forest, Tommy finds Dil with the monkeys. Dil 
>is crying.] Tommy: Hey! Gimme back my brother! Shoo! [Tommy tries to tug 
>Dil away from the monkeys.] Tommy: Oh! Get outta here, you monkeys! Go! 
>[The wolf howls offscreen. The Monkeys leave.]

JESSE: The Monkees were in this?  I must have missed them.

>Tommy: Come on. Let's get outta this rain. [Cut to the ranger's station. A 
>scared Frank is talking to Margaret.] Frank: I know you rookies can get 
>excited and lose your heads, but veterans like me know the key is to remain 
>calm and cool and collected.

JESSE: Thank you, Mr. Rocksteady!

>[The Rugrats' parents enter, panicking. Frank falls from his chair.] Didi: 
>Please, our kids are lost in the storm. You've got to help us. Frank: 
>[Delirious] There's dragons out there! I'm a park ranger, not a knight of 
>the round table! Go find somebody with a lance! Margaret: Never mind him. 
>Come with me.

JESSE:[Margaret] That idiot couldn’t find his own rear end with both hands 
and a flashlight anyway.

>[Margaret leaves with the grown-ups, leaving Frank alone.] Frank: 
>[panicking] What are you -- come here -- I got -- the dragon...

JESSE:[Frank] Just ask my wife...

>[Cut to under a tree, where Tommy & Dil has taken refuge.]

JESSE: Then lightning hits the tree and fries them both.  The end.

>Tommy: We'll just have a little bottle and take a nice nappy, and 
>everything will be OK. Dil: Mine! Mine! [Dil steals the baby bottle.] 
>Tommy: But, I'm hungry, too. [Tommy tries to grab the bottle from Dil.] 
>Tommy: Stop it! Dil, that's enough! Stop it! Unh! [Dil laughs and finishes 
>off the bottle.]

JESSE: Tommy finishes off Dil.

>Tommy: You didn't leave any for me! Dil: [burp] All gone. [giggles] [Tommy 
>tosses the bottle to the ground, then gets a blanket from the bag; covering 
>both of themselves with it. Tommy & Dil try to sleep. Dil tries to have the 
>blanket all to himself.]

JESSE: I had no idea they were *that* kind of brothers...

>Tommy: Oh. [Dil's leg peeks out of the blanket.] Tommy: Dil. [Dil's arm now 
>peeks out.]

JESSE: Dil’s a changeling!

>Tommy: Dil! [Dil grabs the blanket from Tommy and covers himself with it.] 
>Dil: [shouts] My blankie! My blankie! Tommy: Dil! Dil: My blankie! My 
>blankie! Tommy: I need some blankie, too.

JESSE: *Every* man needs a little blankie every now and then...

>Dil: Mine! Mine! Mine! Tommy: Mine! Dil: Mine! [Tommy and Dil pulls the 
>blanket on opposite ends, in a "tug of war" fashion; the blanket tears and 
>Tommy falls into a mud puddle.] Dil: [giggles] Yucky lookie. Tommy: [angry] 
>You think it's funny? Phil and Lil was right! You're a bad, naughty baby, 
>and you're never gonna get any better! I'm through being your big brother! 
>I don't want my sponsativity no more!

JESSE: Just wait untill you get caught cleaning up the house and then mowing 
the lawn all by yourself.

>[Tommy tosses his watch against a tree; miraculously, as they say in those 
>Timex commercials, "It takes a licking and keeps on ticking." Meanwhile, a 
>group of monkeys look on nearby.] Dil: Monkey! My monkey! Mine!

JESSE:[to Dil] What?  You take a walnut to the groin or something?  Why are 
you going on about your monkey?

>Tommy: [still angry] You want monkeys? Oh, Ok. I'll give you monkeys. 
>You'll have a monkey mommy and a monkey daddy and a monkey brother! I 
>shoulda let my friends take you back to the hopsicle, but, no, I said, "He 
>didn't mean it", I said. [He kicks a frog] "He was only playing". [He kicks 
>an empty baby bottle] Well I was wrong! Now I don't even have friends. [He 
>tosses out a diaper, a container of baby powder, baby wipes and Cynthia, 
>which the monkeys all grab.] Tommy:  Dil wants monkeys, and monkeys want 
>the nanners. So everybody gets what they want!

JESSE:[to Tommy] Well, except for you.  You’ll wind up with squat.

>[Tommy brings the baby food to Dil and prepares to use it to cover Dil.] 
>Dil: My nanna. My nanna. [Dil looks at Tommy, while lightning strikes 
>above. Dil is very frightened.] Dil: T-- T-- T--

JESSE: Dil’s turned into a garden sprinkler.

>[Tommy has calmed down and is back in a right frame of mind. He set the 
>baby food down and hugged Dil, as the monkeys look on from a tree.] Tommy: 
>I'm sorry, Dil. Dil: Toto.

JESSE: Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, and the Cowardly Lion are 
all looking for him.  They want to form a rock band.

>Tommy: It's OK, Dil. Everything is gonna be OK. [Camera zooms in to Tommy's 
>watch, which is still on the ground.] [In another part of the forest, Phil 
>& Lil pushes a frighened Chuckie on, even though the lightning makes a 
>trees resemble scary monsters. Then, lightning strikes a tree. They all run 
>for cover, with Phil accidentally leaving his blue shoes behind near a 
>fallen tree trunk.] Chuckie: Phil? Lil? [Chuckie sees Phil's shoes, though 
>its placement leads Chuckie & Lil to think that a tree has fallen on him.]

JESSE: Shouldn’t that be “through its placement”?  Must be a transcription 
error.

>Chuckie: Aah! Ohh! Oh. Phil. Lil: Chuckie?

JESSE:[Dr. McCoy] He’s dead, Lil.

>Chuckie: He always loved climbing on trees. Now a tree's climbed on him. 
>[Lil is crying, while she holds Phil's shoes.] Lil: He was my favoritest 
>brother. Speak to me, Philip! Phil: [offscreen] Have you guys seen my 
>shoes? Lil: Philip! Chuckie: Gasp!

JESSE:[Chuckie] My heart!

>[Lil hugs Phil.] Lil: I don't like this adventure anymore, Philip. Phil: 
>Gosh, Chuckie, this time we really are doomed. Lil: Doomed! Doomed! Doomed! 
>[cries]

JESSE: Suddenly, she’s Antione. [Sonic the Hedgehog comic reference]

>Phil: Snap out of it, Lilian! We gotta find the lizard! Chuckie: I don't 
>know, guys. If we find the lizard and Tommy doesn't, how's he ever gonna 
>get home?

JESSE: Miracles do happen.

>Phil: What are you worried about him for? He's the one who was gonna let 
>you get eated by a fish! Lil: All he cares about now is baby Dil. Chuckie: 
>Yeah, well, somebody has to. Don't they? [Back under the tree, Dil cries. 
>Tommy sings him a lullaby, similar to what he sung earlier in the film.] 
>Tommy: Baby, please, rest your head. Soon we will be home in bed. Until 
>then, I'll protect... you like no other. You're OK for a little brother.

JESSE: They all are, in the end.  Kinda makes me wish mine were here.

>Dil: My Tommy. Tommy: My Dil.

JESSE:[Tommy] Doe.

>[Dil hiccups. Dil offers to share his blanket with Tommy. Tommy and Dil 
>fall asleep. The Camera pulls away upward from the tree; the storm ends and 
>the sky begins to clear.]

JESSE:[singing] I can see clearly now; the rain is gone.  I can see all 
obsticals in my way...

>[In another part of the forest, the grownups are still looking for the 
>Rugrats. The Jeep that they were riding in got stuck in the mud.] Didi: 
>[crying] Oh, we'll never find them. Can't you do something? Margaret: Come 
>on, baby. Come on! Stu: [on CB] Sky Pickle to ground Pickle. Didi: Stu, 
>Stu, is that you? [Cut to Stu, flying in his Dactar glider.] Stu: Roger 
>that, Deed. We have aerial search!

JESSE:[Stu] I’m still trying to contact Pants Pickle.

>[Stu collides into a flock of ducks.] [Back to the forest; the monkeys gang 
>up on Tommy & Dil.] Tommy: Oh, no. N-nice monkeys. Ohh. [Out of nowhere, 
>Phil & Lil came to the rescue.]

JESSE: Now would be a good time for the Indiana Jones theme.

>Phil: Not so fast you monkeys! [Phil & Lil pull the monkeys away by their 
>tail.] Tommy: Lil! Phil! You came back! Oh, but--but where's... [Chuckie is 
>driving the Reptar Wagon at full speed. The monkeys get out of the wagon's 
>way.] Reptar Wagon: Grrr! I am Reptar, the perfect children's toy!

JESSE: Yeah, a deranged piece of computer-programmed metal on wheels is the 
perfect children’s toy.

>Tommy: Chuckie! Chuckie: [to Tommy] Hi, Tommy! [Chuckie reaches for a jar 
>of abby food in the wagon.]

JESSE: Feeding Dear Abby, I see.

>Chuckie: Hey, monkeys! You want nanners? Well, come and get'em! [Chuckie 
>runs with the banana baby food, with the monkeys following him.] Lil: Gosh, 
>I never knowed he was so brave. Phil: Yeah. We're gonna miss him. Well, we 
>better get in the wagon and get outta here. Tommy: No! You guys take Dil 
>and go look for the lizard. I gotta go help my bestest friend.

JESSE: And I’d always get in trouble for saying things like that.

>[Tommy starts walking around with his watch.] [Cut to Angelica, who's at 
>the site of the train wreck, still being towed by Spike.] Angelica: Ohh! 
>Aah! Ooh! Dumb dog. There's no babies around here. Aah!

JESSE:[to Angelica] Except for you.

>[Angelica crashes into Chuckie.] Angelica: There you are! Hand over my 
>Cynthia, Finster. Chuckie: Run, Angelica! The monkeys are coming! The 
>monkeys are coming! Angelica: Huh?

JESSE:[Paul Revere] The Brittish are coming!  The Brittish are coming!  To 
arms!  To arms, men!  The Brittish are coming!

>[Chuckie runs from Angelica; a herd of monkeys follow. One of the monkeys 
>conveniently drop Cynthia near Angelica.] Angelica: Cynthia! [Another 
>monkey tries to steal Cynthia.] Angelica: Hey! Ohh! Stop! [Angelica grabs 
>the monkey by the tail and is once again towed away.]

JESSE: I know there’s some “tiger by the tail” comment I could make here.  
Just can’t figure it out.

>[Spike finds Tommy and licks him.] Tommy: Spike! You found me! [Chuckie 
>trips on a stone near a cliff; he is surrounded by the monkeys. The camera 
>pans away to show the river, and on the other side of that bridge, that 
>wolf. Tommy rides Spike towards Chuckie, who opens the stewed bananas and 
>tries to pour them into the river, but the wind slopped the food onto 
>Chuckie.]

JESSE: Well, I guess he’s a little young to expect him to think of 
*throwing* it.

>Chuckie: Ugh! Oh! Ohh! Nice monkeys. Nice monkeys. I was only kidding. 
>Don't be mad at me. Please? OK. Help. [The monkeys pounce onto Chuckie and 
>try to lick the food off.] [Tommy and Spike come to the rescue; they chase 
>the monkeys away.] Chuckie: Tommy! Thank goodness! [Spike licks Chuckie.]

JESSE: Then a bear comes along and licks Chuckie.

>Tommy: Come on, Chuckie! [Tommy pulls out his pocket watch and points it at 
>the direction of a fire tower.] Tommy: Chuckie! The lizard's house! Let's 
>find the others! We gots a lizard to see! [Tommy & Chuckie ride on Spike's 
>back. Camera pans in the air to the Reptar wagon, parkes at a distance.]

JESSE: Must have parked in the Early Modern English section of the forest.

>Chuckie: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Ohh! Ohh! Spike! I can't look! I can't 
>look! [A low branch knocked Tommy & Chuckie off. Spike runs off.] Tommy: 
>Spike! Spike!

JESSE: Now they’re watching a volleyball tournament.

>[The monkeys find Tommy & Chuckie and gang up on them.] [Meanwhile, back at 
>the Reptar Wagon, Dil plays with the brakes, thinking that its round handle 
>is a ball.] Dil: My ball!

JESSE: Dah!  He’s talking about his... Oh, wait.  “Ball” wasn’t plural 
there, I guess.

>[The brakes disengage, and the wagon rolls off.] [Back with the monkeys --] 
>Chuckie: Don't let them take me, Tommy! I don't wanna be monkey boy!

JESSE: Too late for that.  All males are born monkey boys.

>[Phil & Lil sees Tommy, Chuckie and the monkeys.] Phil & Lil: Aah!

JESSE: So, Phil and Lil are a single entity like the Borg Collective now?

>Tommy: Aah! [The twins pull Tommy & Chuckie in as the wagon rolls by.] 
>Reptar Wagon: Hang onto your diapies, babies. Grr!

JESSE: You know, that’s the kind of thing that makes me glad I grew up when 
and where I did.  I’d have been long dead if I’d had a toy like that.

>Phil: Good one, Dil. Tommy and Lil: Thanks, Dilly. Woo, hoo, hoo! Tommy: 
>Thanks, Dil. Lil: Dilly, you're my hero! [kisses Dil] Bye-bye, monkeys! 
>[Meanwhile, Angelica is still being towed by a monkey.] Angelica: Aah! Oh! 
>Stop it! [She bites the monkey's tail. The monkey runs off in pain, leaving 
>Cynthia behind. Angelica picks up Cynthia and kisses it.]

JESSE: Why do I get the feeling that what we’ve just seen is a prediction of 
Angelica’s future?

>Angelica: Cynthia! [The Reptar Wagon passes by.] Angelica: Hey, you stupid 
>diaper bag! Wait for me!

JESSE: Now there is one confused little kid.

>[Angelica hops on while Phil & Lil fend off 2 monkeys.] Angelica: Dumb 
>monkeys! [The wagon goes on some railroad tracks, crashing a "Do Not Enter" 
>sign and going through a tunnel. Then, it goes on a rickety old bridge over 
>the river.] Angelica: After all I've done for you babies, you were gonna 
>leave me and Cynthia beh--I-I-I-I!

JESSE:[to Angelica] Well, some of us just don’t like being bullied by evil 
little monsters like you.

>[The Reptar Wagon hits a missing board on the bridge. Angelica, who was 
>sitting on Reptar's "tail", catapults off into the air.] Phil: I didn't 
>know she could fly. Lil: I think it's 'cause she's a witch.

JESSE: Well, they got the sound right, but they can’t say that particular 
b-word in this genre.

>[Angelica dangles on a broken board by a strap on her jumper.] Tommy: Hang 
>on, Angelica! [Angelica's other skate comes loose and goes over the falls.]

JESSE: Her *other* skate?  When did she lose the first one?

>[Fade to Rex Pester's helicopter. A pilot is flying the chopper while Rex 
>is both reporting and taping with the camera.] Rex Pester: A truckload of 
>babies and their pet horse lost in the woods. Our hearts go out to their 
>grief-stricken parents...

JESSE: In his case, that’s OK, because he ain’t got no brain that needs 
blood anyway.

>[Stu's Dactar crashes into the chopper; Stu screams in panic.] Rex Pester: 
>Look out, Pickles! Now look what you've done!

JESSE:[Rex] You’ve gone and done something that might actually give me 
raitings!

>[Stu groans. He fights the pilot over the controls.] Rex Pester: Are you 
>out of your mind? Get out!

JESSE:[Rex] There’s a one-nutjob-per-flight rule in effect!

>[Rex pushes Stu and Dactar away from the chopper, but breaks the controls 
>off accidentally. The chopper goes into tailspin and crash-lands into the 
>forest.] Stu: Whoa! Rex Pester: [crying] And I never won an Emmy!

JESSE:[Minbari style, to Rex Pester] But you *have* won the undying hatred 
of everyone who’s life you’ve ever affected.  Know that as you go to your 
death.

>[Stu is flying again on his Dactar, though haphazardly.] Stu: Oops. I'm 
>coming, Tommy. I'm coming, Dil. Oh! Ah! [A couple of screws come loose, 
>though Stu still flies.] [Meanwhile, back on the bridge, the Rugrats are 
>still trying to rescue Angelica.]

JESSE: Mr. Worf and Mr. Data are busily working on a plan.

>Angelica: Ugh! Hurry up, babies! [The monkeys return.] Chuckie: Don't let 
>them take me! Angelica: Don't let them take Cynthia! Lil: I don't think 
>they're going to take anyone. Look! [The monkeys leave.] All: Yay! Lil: 
>Yeah! Go home, monkeys! Angelica: Hooray! Dumb-dumb monkeys!

JESSE: Hey, wait.  Weren’t they carying a bomb before?

>[The wolf appears at the foot of the bridge and slowly goes towards the 
>Rugrats.] All: Oh! Chuckie: We wanna go home. We wanna go home. [The wolf 
>gets closer, growling.] All: Aah! Dil: Yuckies! [Spike then appears from 
>nowhere and fights the wolf.]

JESSE:[imitates the boss fight music for Final Fantasy 7 as the fight carys 
on]

>All: Yay! Tommy: Yay, Spike! Dil: Spike, Spike! [Spike and the wolf are 
>fighting too close to the edge of the bridge.] Tommy: Oh, no, Spike! Spike! 
>Lil: You gotta get outta there, Spikey! Angelica: Yo, dumb wolf!

JESSE:[to Spike, bored] Don’t be a hero, Spike.

>[Angelica makes a face, in an effort to divert the wolf from Spike. The 
>wolf starts to go toward Angelica. As he was about to bite her, Spike bites 
>his tail and drags him down, while they both slowly go through a hole in 
>the bridge.] All: Spike! [Both Spike and the wolf fall into the river.] 
>Dil: Spike?

JESSE: Hopefully, he’s just street pizza and not impailed on something down 
there.

>Tommy: Oh, Spike. [All the Rugrats cry.] Angelica: Dumb dog! Why'd you have 
>to go and... [sobs] [Cut to Stu and Dactar.] Stu: Deed, I found them! 
>They're over by the ranger station! I'm going in-n-n-n!

JESSE: Wait a sec.  Weren’t they in a cave before?  I must have misread.

>
>[Dactar crashes for the last time, into the ranger's station. Stu, all 
>woozy, gets up on his feet, "wearing" Dactar's remnants, and walks towards 
>the bridge.]
>
>Stu: Ahh! All: The lizard! Stu: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

JESSE:[Stu] Sorry, kids.  My pants must have come down in the crash... 
[“Lizard” refering to male genitalia]

>All: Ohh! [Tommy pulls up his diaper and speaks to the "Lizard".]

JESSE: This gets worse by the second.

>Tommy: Please, Mr. Lizard, we wish we could go... No. We wish we had our 
>doggie back. Stu: Ahhh. [Stu busts through the bridge. Then, we hear Spike 
>bark from under the bridge – he's alive, and so is Stu.]

JESSE: But for how much longer, it’s hard to tell.  They both got pancaked 
pretty bad.

>Tommy: Spike! Phil: He's alive! [Spike licks Stu, who lies on one of the 
>bridge's support arms below.]

JESSE: Stu was to suffer brain damage.  The improvement was noticeable.

>Lil: Thank you, Mr. Lizard!

JESSE: I loved that show when Nickelodeon still showed it.  Or was that Mr. 
Wizard?

>[Tires screech and headlights shine. The other grown-ups run towards the 
>babies. Then, their parents pick up their own babies and embraces them.]

JESSE: A few seconds later, a train comes along and creams all of them.  The 
end.

>Didi: My babies! My babies! Oh Dil! My darling! Howard: We're here! Betty-- 
>Betty and daddy are here! Betty: You rascals! Chazz: Daddy's here. Oh, 
>Chuckie!

JESSE: So, finally, Chazz tells us who the hell he is.

>Charlotte: Angelica, sweetheart, everything's going to be OK! Angelica: Oh, 
>mommy, oh, daddy!

JESSE:[Angelica] I’m ready to go back to being the evil little troll I truly 
am.

>Chazz: [offscreen to Chuckie] Did you miss me? You OK? [The monkeys look on 
>in bewilderment. Charlotte's phone rings. Instead of answering it, she 
>tosses it into the water. Grandpa pulls Stu up with a rope.] Grandpa: [to 
>Stu] You've got the Pickle spirit, son. Maybe not the brain, but the 
>spirit.

JESSE: Right.  Tommy’s too damn smart to have a Pickle brain.  Let’s just 
hope he’s got the strength to keep it that way.

>Didi: Oh, Stu, you did it! You found our boys. [Stu picks up Tommy & Dil. 
>Tommy drops his watch; Stu picks it up, still in perfect shape.] Stu: Yeah, 
>I guess I did.

JESSE: Granted, with no small amounts of luck and help from the boys 
themselvs.

>[Igor & Serge arrive in a police car to recover their monkeys.]

JESSE: Then they filed charges against their wives, who had taken a cue from 
Lorena Bobbit.

>Igor: My little furry comrades! Serge: Splendid monkeys, come to papa. 
>Who's your daddy?

JESSE: The wives won the lawsuits on that line right there.

>[We look through the viewfinder of a reporter's video recorder.] Reporter: 
>Babies and monkeys, both lost. Now both found. Rex Pester: This is my 
>story, pal! [An injured Rex shoves the reporter out of sight.]

JESSE: Aw, that does it! [rummages around in cart pulls out cap gun, points 
it at Pester, and pulls the trigger a few times.]

>Rex Pester: I'm Rex Pester. Stay tuned! [The monkeys gang up on Rex and 
>fight him. Camera cuts to static.] Rex Pester: Aah! No, not my toupee! No!

JESSE: Shatner!

>Betty: Go get him, you little simians! Hey, Rex, time for your close up! 
>Chazz: Oh, dear, too bad.

JESSE:[sarcastic] Yes.  What-a-shame.

>[Dil drinks his bottle, then shares it with Tommy.] Stu: I'm sorry about 
>all this Drew. Drew: It's all right, little brother. For a nincompoop, 
>you're not half bad.

JESSE:[Stu] Well, it takes one to know one.

>[Everyone walks away from the bridge and talks amongst themselves. Margaret 
>pulls the Reptar Wagon.] Stu: Remember there was Swamptar? Drew: Oh yeah, I 
>remember that. Got mud all over...

JESSE:[Stu] Then it exploded and took my shed with it...

>[Fade back to the Okey-Dokie Jones sequence, where the Rugrats enter the 
>temple.] Chuckie: [voice over] And that was our big adventure. The Monkeys 
>founded their daddies, and we all gots to go home and have fried baloney 
>sandwiches. But not Dil, 'cause he gots no teeth.

JESSE: But he’ll have those soon enough.

>[Dil, wearing a viking helmet, rides on Chuckie's back. They climb and grab 
>the icon as before, but this time, Dil got ahold of it.] Chuckie: [voice 
>over] But if you think thing went back to the way they was before, you're 
>wrong, 'cause now, thanks to Baby Dil, they was even better! [Chuckles] 
>[After Dil grabs the icon, they all start to topple. Before they hit the 
>ground, we go back to reality, in the kitchen with a banana split. After 
>they fall, Dil slides to the stove with the split; when he hit the stove, 
>the split remain intact. Cut to the Rugrats cheering.]

JESSE:[imitates victory music from any Final Fantasy game after 7]

>Chuckie: Way to go, Dilly!

JESSE: Sell that bar to Dairy Queen! [refers to the Dairy Queen Dilly Bar.]

>[Freeze frame, then fade out.] [Fade to closing credits, when stills of the 
>movie's scenes flash in the background while the credits are seen in the 
>foreground. Credits from "Directed By" to "Additional Music Material By" 
>are flshed on and off, with one background per credit. From "Production 
>Manager" on, credits scroll, with different lettering and fonts, while the 
>background changes. During the credits, portions of "Take Me There", "Wild 
>Ride" and "I Throw My Toys Around" can be heard.]

JESSE: Thank God it’s got a standard movie ending.

>[After the closing credits, there is a bonus scene where  Boris' goat 
>returned, eating flowers while Grandpa rests in the Reptar wagon. The goat 
>accidentally pushes the wagon with Grandpa inside, leading to a wild goose 
>chase as the goat tries to rescue Grandpa.]

JESSE: Which wasn’t really necessary, but none the less, there you go.

>The End
>
>

JESSE: Finally!

>Compilation is ©2000 Super Yo. Additional material ©2000 Steve Mindykowski. 
>Quotes ©1998 Paramount Pictures & Viacom.

JESSE: Which reminds me, I’m going to have one hell of a time with my own 
credits here.
[exits theater to find Luke, Sara, and his sister waiting]

LUKE: So, how was the film, Jesse?
JESSE: It was pretty good, Luke.  A few too many things that got taken 
completely the wrong way, but that’s sorta what makes it fun.
SARA: What movie did you watch, anyway?
JESSE: The Rugrats Movie.
SISTER: That’s a really cute movie.  How many things could get taken the 
wrong way?
JESSE: What I saw was based on a fan transcript of the movie.  There tend to 
be a good number of errors in even the best of those things.  Not that I’m 
downing the people that did this one, of course.  By the way, I don’t think 
Luke mentioned your name earlier.
SISTER: I’m Michelle.  It’s nice to meet you.
JESSE: It’s nice to meet you, too Michelle.  So, are you both enjoying your 
prizes from the arcade?
MICHELLE: Oh, yes!  The lion will go perfectly with my collection.
SARA: And the panda was just so adorable.  I can hardly understand how he 
managed to afford them both on only five dollars worth of games...
MICHELLE: Unless he had help from someone.  Someone who happened to be at 
the arcade with him.
JESSE: You figured it out, didn’t you?
LUKE: It was when they saw you leaving the arcade.
MICHELLE: That was a really sweet thing for you to do. [kisses me on cheek]
JESSE: Well, I knew there was a reason I packed the stupid things when I 
came.
LUKE: So, what is it that you do in there?
SARA: Yeah.
JESSE: Well, I watch various things from the Internet, such as fan 
transcripted movies and television shows, like The Rugrats Movie; fan 
fictions based on just about anything; and junk email, also known as spam 
and make comments as I watch.  The idea is based upon the television show 
Mystery Science Theater 3000
SARA: How does that work?  Most of the Internet stuff you mentioned is text 
based, and television is picture based.
JESSE: Well, the theater is equipped with a special converter that changes 
the text documents into moving picutes and projects them on the screen.  As 
far as sharing the work with others, it’s all imagination.
MICHELLE: Actually, that sounds pretty cool.  We might have to join you 
sometime.  Mabey next time we see you here?
JESSE: Mabey in a couple weeks.  That’s about how long it’ll take me to find 
something else to work with.
LUKE: Thanks.  We really appreciate this.
JESSE: You’re more than welcome.
SARA: Well, we’d better get going.  Our families are expecting us home soon.
LUKE: Have fun, dude!
JESSE: You, too!
[Luke, Sara and Michelle exit lobby to mall]
JESSE: Well, that wraps that up.  Hope you all enjoyed the premier edition 
of J. Michael Shearer’s Theater 3000.  This was certainly a long enough 
project.  I hope I can have another one ready for you soon.  It’ll more than 
likely be posted to Web Site Number 9 at http://wsn9.mistings.org first.  In 
the meantime, thanks for reading.  All work other than riffs and host 
segments copyright the people listed in the credits to follow.


Credits:

[In theater, “Final Fantasy 7’s” “Chocobo Capture” fight music plays.]

I) Music
“Loser” by Beck, copyright the band Beck.
“Your Horoscope For Today”; “Slime Creatures from Outer Space”; “Your 
Horoscope for Today” by Wierd Al Yankovic copyright Wierd Al Yankovic.
“Flying Saucer” by Brave Comby copyright Brave Combo.
“We’re Off to See the Wizard” copyright Warner Bros. (?)
“Get in the Car” by Moxy Fruvis
“We Like to Party” by Vengaboys
“Help Me Rhonda”; “Man on the Run”; “Hang On, Snoopy”; “Ring of Fire” by 
unknown.
“Whip It” by Devo.

JESSE: Wow!  Quite the score, there!

II) Television
“Star Trek” copyright Paramount/Viacom
“Babylon 5” copyright Warner Bros.
“Electric Company”; “Sesamie Street” copyright Childrens Television Workshop
“Samurai Pizza Cats” copyright Saban Entertainment
“Imus in the Morning” produced by MSNBC.
“Red Geen” copyright S&S Productions

JESSE: This could go on for awhile, folks.  [Gets up and starts jamming to 
chocobo music; continues for some time]

“Sonic the Hedgehog”; “Sonic Underground” copyright DiC, Sega, and Archie 
Comics.

JESSE:[still dancing] Although “Sonic Underground” seemed pretty “DiC-less” 
to me!

“LEXX” copyright Sci-Fi Channel
“I Am Weasel” copyright Cartoon Network and Hanna-Barbera
“Daktari”; “Picture Pages”; “The Monkees”; “The Andy Grifith Show”; 
“Saturday Night Live”; and “Garfield and Friends” copyright uncertain
“Frank and Margaret” copyright Comedy Central
“Rugrats” copyright Klassy-Csupo Productions

III) Movies
James Bond created by Ian Flemming
2001: A Space Oddesy produced by Stanley Kubrick
Ghostbusters produced by Ivan Reitman
Star Trek films copyright Paramount Pictures
Pinochio produced by Disney
“The Rugrats Movie” copyright Klassy-Csupo productions and Nickelodeon 
Films.
“MST3K:TM” copyright Gramercy Pictures and Best Brains Inc.

IV) Books

JESSE:[continues dancing] It’s been awhile since I’ve read one, personally.

“Curious George” series by unknown
“The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” and other Oz books by L. Frank Baum

V) Video Games
Final Fantasy series copyright Squaresoft

VI) Special Thanks

Paul “Cliffy” Klavin, a fellow dorm dweller my first two years of college.  
Thanks for a great time!
Little Ceasar Pizza.  Some of the best pizza around and a catchy slogan, 
too!

VII) Very Special Thanks
Varikorn Ungvician for urging me to do what is my biggest MiSTing project to 
date and so generously hosting it on his website.
Super Yo and Steve Mindykowski for transcribing the movie.
Dr. Michael K. Neylon for running the MUST3K Website aka Web Site Number 9 
and the Dibslist.
Nickelodeon and Klassy-Csupo for creating “Rugrats”.  And also, hopefully, 
for not pressing charges.
And you, the readers!  Thanks tons for reading!

[Final Fantasy fight music ends.  I sit down]

JESSE:[wipes forehead] Whew!  That was really something!  I might have to 
have a go at “The Rugrats in Paris” sometime!

[Fade to black]


Stringer:
>Stu:  Uh, Dil can be pretty tough to get along with, huh? But sometimes 
>little brothers, they aren't everything you'd hoped they'd be.